Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit.

So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit.

A week later he went in for his first fitting.

He put on the suit and he looked fabulous, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror, he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise, he noticed that there were no pockets.

He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, “Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?”

The young man answered, “Yes, I did.”

To this, the tailor said, “Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat.

He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye too.

He says to him, “Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?”

The other guy says, “Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, ‘I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh’, I accidentally said, ‘I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’. So she socked me a good one.”

The first guy replied, “Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, ‘Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.’

But I accidentally said, ‘You ruined my life you fat, evil hag’.”

A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex.

When he got home, he couldn’t tell his wife that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said, “Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he’s only tried it twice.”

“The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off!”

A man and his wife were in a fancy restaurant. While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon. So the husband says, “What’s with the spoon?”

The waiter said, “Well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil. So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.

The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, “I’ll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else”.

While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband points out, “Hey, there’s a string on your pants!”

The waiter tells him, “Not all my customers are as observant as you… the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash our hands, thereby saving time.”

The husband was impressed, but asked, “It’s a good idea… but how do you get it back in your pants?”.

The waiter leaned close and whispered, “Well I don’t know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon.”

It was breakfast time at the Smiths’ house. Linda turned to her husband Frank with an irritated look and said: “I bet you don’t remember what today is!”

“Of course I remember!” declared Frank, and hastily left for work.

When he reached his office, he immediately went to his best friend’s office and shouted: “Mark, you have to help me – I think it’s my wife’s birthday today and I completely forgot about it!”

Mark calmed him down and opined that he should send his wife several gifts throughout the day. “That way there is no way she’ll realize you just remembered. Besides, pick the right gifts and you’ll have a very happy woman on your hands…”

Frank immediately goes and does exactly that, sending his wife a beautiful dress, her favorite perfume and even some sexy lingerie, each delivered to the house every few hours.

When evening came, Frank return to the house beaming with pride, and met his wife standing with a huge smile on her face. “First the beautiful dress, then the perfume I like so much, and then even some sexy lingerie! You really surprised me my love!”

“Think nothing on it my love, happy-”

“I never thought I’d wear such beautiful clothes to pick my mother up from the airport!”