Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

“Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled.

“I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

He replied, “Well, you see my wife and I have married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.

“Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”

A college student wrote a letter home:

Dear folks,

I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money.

I feel ashamed and unhappy.

I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels.

I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

Your son,

Marvin

P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up at the box at the corner.

I wanted to take this letter and burn it.

I prayed to God that I could get it back, but I was too late.

A few days later, he received a letter from his father:

Dear Son, Good news! Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest: “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic.”

“Well,” answered the priest, “that’s not a sin.”‘

“But I made him agree to pay me 200 Euros for every week he stayed.”

“I admit that wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause.”

“Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind.” He paused for a moment and then said, “I have one more question…”

“What is that, my son?”

“Do I have to tell him the war is over?”

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying.

But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.

One time she was sitting next to a man.

When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After a while, he turned to her and asked: “You don’t really believe all that stuff in there do you?”

The lady replied “Of course I do. It is the Bible.”

He said “Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?

She replied “Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible.”

He asked, “Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?”

The lady said “Well I don’t really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him.”

“What if he isn’t in heaven?” the man asked sarcastically.

“Then you can ask him.” replied the lady.

This guy is on the street corner spitting and cussing.

A little old lady goes and gets a cop, telling him about what the guy is doing.

Sure enough, when the cop comes up to the guy he spits and says, “Damn, that guy can drive a car.”

The cop tells him to stop spitting and cussing and then asks him what the problem is.

The man again spits and says, “Damn, that guy can drive a car.”

The cop again tells him not to spit and cuss and asks him what the problem is.

The man replies, “I was thumbing a ride when this guy stopped and picked me up.

“He takes off at 100 miles an hour, and I am scared to death.

“As we entered town, the guy slows down to about 60 miles per hour and skids into an alley where again he picks up speed.

“Right in front of us are two 18-wheelers parked on either side of the alley with only four feet between them.

“I screamed out ‘We are going to die!’

“Then right before we were going to crash I looked over and told the guy, ‘If you get us out of this alive, I will fellate you.’”

Again he spits and tells the cop, “Damn, that guy can drive a car.”