Daily Joke: Jokes Library

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won’t come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather’s birthday is coming up, and for me, it is a time to reminisce.

The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!

Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I’d be a better man.

Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was 12.

We were sitting on a park bench eating a sandwich, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day.

He told me that one day, I’d find a woman and start my own family.

“And son,” he said, “be sure you marry a woman with small hands.”

“How come, Grandpa?” I asked.

“It makes your pecker look bigger.”

A husband and wife were walking down a high street when the wife spots a beautiful diamond necklace in a jewelry store window.

She urges her husband to go inside so that she can take a look at it.

Although she wants it, he simply doesn’t have to buy it for her, but he promises that it’ll be hers one day.

A month passes, and the wife is at home wondering where on earth her husband is.

She angrily calls his cell phone.

“Where the hell are you?” she asks.

“Darling, you remember that jewelry store where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn’t have money that time, and I said ‘Baby it’ll be yours one day’?”

“Yeah, I remember that my love!” she replies, smiling and blushing profusely as she does.

“I’m in the bar just next to that shop.”

A soldier, a sailor and an airman were sitting together having a beer and they begin to discuss the greatest technological inventions of the modern world.

“It is the laser,” said the soldier, a man of obvious superior intellect.

“The laser, because with it, you can determine the precise range to an enemy target, you can use it to gather important telemetry information and you can even use it for photography that is almost tri-dimensional.”

“No,” interjected the sailor, also an intelligent person, but obviously standing in the shadow of the soldier’s phenomenal mind.

“It is the radar. With a radar you can track incoming aircraft and missiles, you can determine the speed of the particular vehicles that are approaching your ship and, if you use it right, you can even heat your lunch.”

“I disagree,” said the airman, a man of, well he’s an airman and all airmen are borne out of a diminishing gene pool.

“The greatest invention is the thermos.”

“The thermos?” exclaimed the other two.

“Yup, a thermos,” he said. “I mean, just think about it.

If you want something hot you put hot stuff in it. If you want cold, you put cold stuff in it.”

“Yeah, so?” quizzed the other two.

“Well,” said the airman, “How does it know?”

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.

While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she’s finished, the tough, hairy biker says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That’s a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl…”

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.

A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can’t possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, “Congratulations son, we’ve been waiting a long time for you.”

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says “Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don’t remember doing anything really special when I was alive.”

“Congratulations for what?” says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man’s modesty.

“We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!”

The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.

When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says “Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty.”

“That’s simply impossible son,” says Saint Peter. “We’ve added up your time sheets.”