08/29/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11835
A husband and wife are in bed when there is a knock at the door. The husband rolls over and looks at his clock – it’s 3:30 a.m. He drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
When he opens the door, there is a drunk slumped there. “Hi ya,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”
“Get lost,” says the man. “It’s half-past three.”
He slams the door and goes back up to bed. He tells his wife about the drunk.
She says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain and you had to knock on that man’s door? What would’ve happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
Shamefaced, the husband gets fully dressed, puts on his shoes and picks up all his tools then goes to his own car and takes out some cables.
Finally having all he needs to assist any problem the man may have, he opens the door and calls out, “Hey, do you still want a push?”
A voice answers, “Yes, please.”
“Where are you?” calls the man.
“I’m over here…” replies the stranger,
“…on your swing set.”
08/28/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11830
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said:
“I’m so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious.
“What trick is that my dear?” she asked.
The little boy replied:
“I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.”
08/27/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11827
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work.
“I have great news for you.
Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing with happiness and kissing his wife when she said:
“I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”
08/26/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11824
A farmer’s wife is tending to his prized donkey when it rears its hind legs and kicks her right in the head, knocking the life out of her in an instant.
The funeral took place a few days later, and the farmer’s friends consoled him one-by-one.
As this was happening, the pastor looked on and saw the farmer shaking his head “no” to all the ladies, but he was nodding his head “yes” to all the men.
The pastor asks him: “Why were you shaking your head no to your wife’s friend but nodding your head yes as your friends walked past?”
“It’s simple.” The farmer stated. “The women asked if I needed anything, and I said no.”
“Alright, so what about the men?” The pastor asks.
“They asked if they could borrow the donkey.”
08/25/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11817
A Chinese doctor can’t find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts up a sign outside.
It reads: ‘GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.’
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: ‘I have lost my sense of taste.’
Doctor: ‘Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient’s mouth.’
Lawyer: ‘Ugh, this is kerosene!’
Doctor: ‘Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.’
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: ‘I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.’
Doctor: ‘Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.’
Lawyer (annoyed): ‘This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.’
Doctor: ‘Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.’
The fuming lawyer pays him and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: ‘My eyesight has become very weak I can’t see at all.’
Doctor: ‘Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this $100.’
Lawyer (staring at the note): ‘But this is $20, not $100!!’
Doctor: ‘Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20.’