Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day.

They come to a difficult par with a water trap just after the tee.

The first golfer proceeds to hit his ball right into the water.

To retrieve it, he simply approaches the body of water and extends his golf club.

The water parts, he takes his next shot and it lands on the green.

The second golfer hits his ball towards the water, but rather than sink, the ball floats on top of the water.

The golfer nonchalantly walks across the water and hits the ball onto the green.

The third golfer hits his the ball directly into the water, where it quickly starts to sink.

As the ball sinks, a fish grabs the ball in its mouth.

At that very moment, a hawk plucks the fish out of the water and begins to carry it aloft.

As the bird soars higher, a bolt of lightning startles the bird, which then drops the fish into a nearby tree.

When the fish hits a branch of the tree, the ball pops out, rolls down the trunk of the tree, across the green and right into the hole…

Moses turns to Jesus and says “You know, I hate golfing with your Father.”

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.

She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

“The curlers are on me.”

I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I’d ever seen.

The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy’s face, saying “I slept with your mother.”

Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy’s face, saying it again. “Hey, I slept with your mother.”

Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, “No seriously, I slept with your mother.”

At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,

“That’s it. We’re going home, Dad. You’re drunk.”

A blonde lived with two blonde room mates. She bought a new car, and on the way home from the dealer got caught in a terrible hail storm. Her brand new car was dented all over.

When she got home she called the service department to ask what she should do. The service chief, being a prankster, told her to wait till the car was cool and then blow hard on the tail pipe, which would pop out all the dents.

A half-hour later her roomies saw her on her knees behind the car, blowing as hard as she could. They asked what the heck she was doing and she told them, adding in a perplexed tone “But it’s not working”. “You dummy” one of her blond room mates said. “You have to roll up the windows first.“

When a man first noticed that his pen*s was growing longer, he was delighted.

But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though rare, his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient’s wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

“How long will he be on crutches?” she asked.

“Crutches???” the doctor asked.

“Well, yes,” the woman said, “You are going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”