Daily Joke: Jokes Library

We all know that kids say the funniest of things, but what about parents? Well, as the Tweets in the jokes below prove, they say some pretty funny things too.

If you’re a parent then you’ll be able to relate to most of them, and if you’re not a parent yet, well, you might just get a glimpse of what lies in store should you choose to become one…

5 year old: Daddy can I gell you a secret?
Me: Sure thing buddy…
5 year old: *grabs my face and whispers*
I just pooped and I did’nt wash my hands.

Me: There’s my big girl.
3 year old: I’m not a big girl!
Me: There’s my little girl.
3 year old: I’m not little!
Me: What are you?
3 year old: A dragon.

My favorite thing about watching a new movie with my 5 year old is probably watching it 17 times a day for the next 3 months.

7 year old daugher: “If I’m watching cartoons on the couch then wouldn’t they be couchtoons cause I’m not in a car?”

No paternity tested needed.

Just taugh my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5 year old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.

As the parent of a 5 year old boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Me: We already have three girls.
What do you think the new baby will be?
2 year old daughter: A cat.

Our story begins with a young man who’s in the market for a used motorcycle. He’s shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck.

One day, he comes across a beautiful, classic Harley with a “for sale” sign on it. Upon inspection, he is delighted to find the bike in mint condition. He enquires about it with the owner: “This bike is beautiful!! I’ll take it. But you have to tell me how you keep it in such good shape!”

“Well,” says the seller, “it’s pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it’s going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you’re buying the bike I won’t need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it.” and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

So our hero buys the bike and off he goes! He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She’s ecstatic (being a Harley fan herself). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend’s parents’ house. See, it was the first time he was going to meet them and figured it would make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend’s arm.

“Sweetie,” she says,” I have to tell you something about my parents before we go in. It’s really embarrassing but it’s a family tradition. When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.”

“No problem,” he says with a smile. “Sounds like fun”. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In fact, the entire house is littered with piles of them. This thing was no joke!

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, our hero gets more and more bored. To spice things up, he decides to test the limits of this game this family plays. He reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, undresses her, and proceeds to make love to her on the dinner table.

While that is going on, he thinks: “her mother must have had her as a teen, she’s gorgeous…”, so he grabs his girlfriend’s mother and proceeds to make love to HER on that same dinner table, but still, no one says a word.

Thunder sounds and heavy rain begins to fall. The ardent boyfriend panics, his perfect Harley! He lets go of the mother and as he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

The father stands up and shouts: “ALRIGHT! I’ll do the bloody dishes!”

Outside a pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: “What’s the matter with that guy? Wasn’t he in here earlier?”

Assistant replies: “Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help.”

Pharmacist says: “He seems to be fine now.”

Assistant replies: “Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market. Now he won’t dare cough!”

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

“I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”

“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.

“Do you have the container it comes in?”

“Yes!” said the blonde, “I will go get it.

“She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, “To apply, push up bottom.”

There was the woman who approached the local pharmacist and asked for cyanide.

“What on earth would you want to do with cyanide?” he asked.

“I want to poison my husband” she said coolly.

Of course the pharmacist was quite upset about this and made it quite clear to her that he was not going to be part of such a plot, and that he had no intention of selling any poison to her for that purpose.

The woman then took a photograph out of her bag. It showed the pharmacist’s wife in bed with the woman’s husband.

“Oh! You didn’t tell me you had a prescription!