Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A lady helps her husband to set up a new laptop.

Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he’ll always remember.

As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types “mypenis”.

As he hits “enter” to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysterics.

The laptop had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.

“You don’t have to let your wife bully you,” he said. “Go home and show her you’re the boss.”

The husband decided to take the doctor’s advice.

He went home, slammed the door, saw his wife and growled:

“From now on you’re taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and after you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?”

“I certainly do,” said his wife calmly. “The Undertaker!”

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, “Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans, thy sons and their wives.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard — but no Ark.

“Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed.

“I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

“Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

“Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls — but no go!

“When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I am required to apply for 834 different licenses to keep wild beasts on private property.

“Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood. Further, the pitch to water-proof the ark has been banned by the EPA as inimical to the environment.

“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.

“Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The scaffolding to build the superstructure is not OSHA-approved and is forbidden to use except for private structures less than 5 cubits..

“The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

“To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100 years for me to finish this Ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”.

“No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman at a nearby table.

She looks at the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

The note read: “For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants.”

The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read:

“Just so you know, I happen to have a LaFerrari, a BMW i8, and a Mercedes AMG GTS in my garage, plus I have over 20 million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my member. Just send the wine back.”

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die.

They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued.

They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth.

Finally, the priest said to the nun, “you know sister, I am about to die, and there’s always been one thing I’ve wanted here on earth–to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?”

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes.

As she was doing so, she remarked, “well, Father, now that I think about it, I’ve never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?”

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped.

Suddenly the nun exclaimed, “Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?”

The priest patiently answered, “That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life.”

“Well,” responded the nun, “forget about me. Stick it in the camel!”