Daily Joke: Jokes Library

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
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FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
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FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
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COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
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JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
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WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
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And the WINNER is..
FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
(Statement of the Century)
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Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker–Billy Connolly:

“If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”
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Children Are Quick:

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’ GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…..
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TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, sir. It’s the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
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Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

Sam had been in the computer business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. Sam saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he was just finishing dinner when someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a big, bearded man standing there.

“Name’s Leon… Your neighbor from four miles away… Having a party Saturday… thought you’d like to come.”

“Great,” says Sam. “After six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks.

Thank you.” As Leon was leaving he stopped, “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin’.”

“Not a problem… after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of ’em.”

Again, as he started to leave Leon stopped. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”

Sam says, “Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

Once again Leon turned from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.”

“Now that’s not a problem,” says Sam, “I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there…by the way, what should I wear?”

Leon stopped in the door again and said, “Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.”

A race of aliens visits earth one day.

They come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors.

When it’s the Pope’s turn, he asks: “Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?”

“You mean JC?”, responds the alien.

“Yeah, we know him! He’s the greatest, isn’t he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok”.

Surprised, the pope follows up with: “He visits every year?! It’s been over two millennia and we’re still waiting for his SECOND coming!”

The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize.

“Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?”

The pope retorts “Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?”

The alien says “Yea, when he FIRST visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates.”

“Why? What did you guys do?”

The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair.

“You’ve got to help me. I’m losing my memory, Doctor,” he sobbed.

“I once had a successful business, a wife, home and family; I was a respected member of the community. But all that’s gone now. Since my memory began failing, I’ve lost the business – I couldn’t remember my clients’ names. My wife and children have left me, too; and why shouldn’t they – some nights I wouldn’t get home until four or five in the morning. I’d forget where I lived… And it’s getting worse. Doctor, it’s getting worse!”

“This is not an unusual form of neurosis,” the psychiatrist said soothingly. “Now tell me, just how long ago did you first become aware of this condition?”

“Condition?” The man sat up in his chair. “What condition?”

A husband and wife are in bed when there is a knock at the door. The husband rolls over and looks at his clock – it’s 3:30 a.m. He drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

When he opens the door, there is a drunk slumped there. “Hi ya,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”

“Get lost,” says the man. “It’s half-past three.”

He slams the door and goes back up to bed. He tells his wife about the drunk.

She says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain and you had to knock on that man’s door? What would’ve happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

Shamefaced, the husband gets fully dressed, puts on his shoes and picks up all his tools then goes to his own car and takes out some cables.

Finally having all he needs to assist any problem the man may have, he opens the door and calls out, “Hey, do you still want a push?”

A voice answers, “Yes, please.”

“Where are you?” calls the man.

“I’m over here…” replies the stranger,

“…on your swing set.”