Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and so on.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn’t help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father – Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits – these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them – and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc…

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again (they were glad they had sunglasses because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads).

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father – Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn’t stand it and said. “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”

“Oh, Father, don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Angela!”

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn’t gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Karen surrendered. With some courage, she told her family members that she will go out again. That said, she didn’t really know anyone suitable.

Her daughter immediately replied: “Mom! I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another, and, after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude except for a black bra and a pair of black lacy panties, and he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asked: “Why the black underwear?”

She replied: “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.”

He knew he wasn’t getting lucky that night.

The following night the same scenario. She was standing there with the black panties on, and he was in his birthday suit … except that he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: “What’s with this … a black condom?”

“Well.” He said, “I wanted to offer my deepest condolences.”

Adam and Eve said, “Lord when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, “I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.”

Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable, you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”

And God said, “I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the Supreme Beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And the Cat didn’t give a sh*t one way or the other…….

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

“This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,” said the first one.

“No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,” said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

“Bring me my biggest sword,” said Solomon, “and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.”

“Sounds good to me,” said the first woman. But the other woman said, “Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman’s daughter marry him.”

The wise King did not hesitate a moment. “The attorney must marry the first lady’s daughter,” he proclaimed.

“But she was willing to hew him in two!” exclaimed the King’s court.

“Indeed,” said wise King Solomon, “and that proves she is, indeed, the TRUE mother-in-law.”

A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving.

She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in.

After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.

“Are you sure?”, the distraught woman asked.

“He was a great family pet. Isn’t there anything else you can do?”

The vet paused for a moment and said, “There is one more thing we can do.”

He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it.

The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog.

The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.

“Well, that confirms it”, the vet announced, “your dog is dead.”

Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, “How much do I owe you?”

“That will be $1,330”, the vet replied.

“I don’t believe it”, screamed the woman! “What did you do that cost $1,330????”

“Well”, the vet replied, “it’s $30 for the office visit and $1,300 for the CAT scan.”