Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Husband: I won’t be able to sleep afterward.

Wife: I can’t sleep without it.

Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Wife: I can’t sleep without it.

Husband: You get hot at the darnedest times.

Wife: I can’t sleep without it.

Husband: If you love me you’d be more considerate.

Wife: I can’t sleep without it.

Husband: Yes I do, but let’s forget it for tonight.

Wife: I can’t sleep without it.

Husband: Alright, I’ll do it.

Wife: What’s the matter? Need a flashlight?

Husband: I can’t find it.

Wife: Oh, for heaven’s sake, feel for it.

Husband: There. Are you satisfied?

Wife: Oh, yes, honey.

Husband: Is it up far enough?

Wife: Oh, that’s fine.

Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

You may think that dog are these easy going creatures, with no rules in their happy heads, but you’d be wrong. Dogs have many rules in their lives, designed to delight them as well as, sometimes, frustrate us. Here are some of the simpler ‘rules’ our canine friends seem to have!

Visitors
Quickly figure out which guest is the one most afraid of dogs. Charge across the room while barking as loud as you can and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts weeping and crying, lick his face and gently growl to show your concern, and your teeth.

Barking
You are a dog, and as such, you are expected to bark. So go for it and bark a lot. Your owners will be so very pleased to know you protecting their house. Try to do it late at night while they are sleeping. Nothing says sleep like knowing your dog is out there, barking the bad people away all night long.

Dining Etiquette
Always sit underneath the table at dinner, this goes double when there are guests, so you can beg, and bark, and make the party even better by cleaning up any food that falls to the floor. This is also a great time to get to know some new scents by sniffing all the guests.

Licking
Humans prefer your tongue to be as wet as possible, so try to drink a LOT before licking them on the face. Be nice and get your human one of their shirts to wipe their face on. Suits and dresses make for great towels.

Holes
Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won’t notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they’ll think it’s gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

Doors
The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

The Art Of Sniffing
Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty as the family dog to accommodate them.

Housebreaking
Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

Couches
It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

Playing
If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, aim for the flowerbed to absorb your fall, so you don’t injure yourself.

Chasing Cats
When chasing cats (and you will), make sure you never.quite.catch.them. It will spoil all the fun!

Going For Walks
The golden rule of walking: When out on a walk with your master or mistress, don’t forget to never go to the bathroom on your own lawn. The cranky neighbor’s lawn is so much greener, after all.

Chewing
Make a contribution to the fashion industry… eat a shoe.

Four members of the clergy had a theological argument, with the three male ministers siding against the female minister.

The woman prayed, “Lord, I know I’m right. Please send us a divine sign to prove it.”

A big storm cloud materialized, and there was a clap of thunder, “See,” said the woman. “It’s a sign from above.”

The three clergymen disagreed, saying thunder is a common phenomenon.

“Dear Lord,” the woman prayed, “I need a bigger sign.”

This time a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree.

“See! I told you I was right,” the woman said.

But the men insisted nothing had happened that couldn’t be explained by natural causes.

“Help me, Lord,” the woman implored.

And a deep voice came from the heavens: “SSSHHHEEE’S RRRIIIGGGHHHTTT!!!”

The woman turned to the three clergymen and asked, “Well?”

“Okay, okay,” they said. “But it’s still three against two.”

Three couples went to visit the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without making love for two months and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two months went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was a bit tough the first month but then it was not a problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until the woman dropped a can of paint.

“A can of PAINT??!” exclaimed the minister.

“Yeah,” said the newlywed husband. “She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust just took over.”

The minister just shook his head and said: “You two sinners are not welcome in my church!”

“That’s okay,” said the man. “We’re not welcome at Home Depot, either.”

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football.

During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning.

But during the second half, a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game.

When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, “Where were you during the first half?”

He replied, “I was putting on my shoes!”