Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The army recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They went through lots of retirement plans but nothing seemed to please everyone.

In the end, desperate, they promised any general who retired immediately his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general’s body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet.

He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine General, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: “From the tip of my penis to my testicles.”

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine general insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he’d better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop ’em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general’s penis and began to work back.

“My God man!” he said, “where are your testicles??”

“Vietnam,” smiled the general.

Two bees ran into each other.

The first bee asked the other how things were going.

“Really bad,” said the second bee.

“The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren’t any flowers or pollen, so I can’t make any honey.”

“No problem,” said the first bee.

“Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There’s a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit.”

“Thanks for the tip,” said the second bee, and he flew away.

A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again.

The first bee asked, “How’d it go?” “Great!” said the second bee.

“It was everything you said it would be.”

“Uh, what’s that thing on your head?” asked the first bee.

“That’s my yarmulke,” said the second bee.

“I didn’t want them to think I was a wasp.”

Long ago there was a man who had a 25-inch penis. After consulting many people and finding no solution to his big problem, he decided to consult with a local witch.

Once with the witch, he said, ”I need your help. My penis is so big it’s hard for me to find women who can accommodate me. Can you help me?” The witch said, “Go to the forest, in the middle of it you’ll find a frog, ask it to marry you. It is a cursed frog, and every time it says no, the curse will cause your penis to shrink 5 inches, which in your case is actually a blessing!”

So he went to the forest, and after hours of walking he found the frog, kneeled down and asked the frog to marry him.

The frog said, “No.”

Then his penis shrunk five inches.

He asked the frog again, “Will you marry me?” And again, the frog said, “No.”

And it shrunk another five inches.

Then he thought, “15 inches is still too big. I’ll ask it again. Ten inches will be fine.”

So he asked the frog one more time, “Will you marry me?”

The frog looked up at him in disgust and said, “I told you: No, no, and NO!”

A little boy boards a public bus and sits down right behind the driver.

He begins to speak: “If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I’d be a little calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I’d be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I’d be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I’d be a little duckling.”

After listening to the boy rambling on and on in the same manner for a while, the bus driver begins to get annoyed.

He turns around and says to the boy: “What if your mom was a drunk and your dad was a bum?”

In an instant, the boy responds: “I’d be a bus driver.”

The bus driver probably should have seen it coming!

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts”, and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, “Down Nuts”, and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts” They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts” and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked:” What in the world happened?”

The assistant replied: “Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”