Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex.

When he got home, he couldn’t tell his wife that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said, “Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he’s only tried it twice.”

“The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off!”

A man and his wife were in a fancy restaurant. While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon. So the husband says, “What’s with the spoon?”

The waiter said, “Well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil. So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.

The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, “I’ll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else”.

While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband points out, “Hey, there’s a string on your pants!”

The waiter tells him, “Not all my customers are as observant as you… the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash our hands, thereby saving time.”

The husband was impressed, but asked, “It’s a good idea… but how do you get it back in your pants?”.

The waiter leaned close and whispered, “Well I don’t know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon.”

It was breakfast time at the Smiths’ house. Linda turned to her husband Frank with an irritated look and said: “I bet you don’t remember what today is!”

“Of course I remember!” declared Frank, and hastily left for work.

When he reached his office, he immediately went to his best friend’s office and shouted: “Mark, you have to help me – I think it’s my wife’s birthday today and I completely forgot about it!”

Mark calmed him down and opined that he should send his wife several gifts throughout the day. “That way there is no way she’ll realize you just remembered. Besides, pick the right gifts and you’ll have a very happy woman on your hands…”

Frank immediately goes and does exactly that, sending his wife a beautiful dress, her favorite perfume and even some sexy lingerie, each delivered to the house every few hours.

When evening came, Frank return to the house beaming with pride, and met his wife standing with a huge smile on her face. “First the beautiful dress, then the perfume I like so much, and then even some sexy lingerie! You really surprised me my love!”

“Think nothing on it my love, happy-”

“I never thought I’d wear such beautiful clothes to pick my mother up from the airport!”

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.

Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted by a child’s whispered, “Hello.”

“Is your Daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes.”

“May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anyone else there?”

“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”

“Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A helicopter,” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed a helicopter.”

Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…”Me!”

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an 80-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a ‘mail order’ bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, ‘She’ll be 21 in November.’

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an 80-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon..

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again…

‘How’s the new wife?’, asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, ‘Good – she’s pregnant.’

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, ‘And how’s the hired hand?’

Without hesitating, Tom said, ‘She’s pregnant too.’