09/27/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11943
A man walked into the bar and saw an old friend of his, drinking by himself.
Approaching his friend, he commented, “You look awful. What’s wrong?”
“My mother died in May and left me $15,000,” the friend answered.
“Boy, that’s tough,” the man replied.
Continuing, the friend said, “Then in June, my dad died leaving me $50,000.
“Gosh, both parents gone in such a short period of time? No wonder you’re depressed,” said the man.
“Last month my aunt died and left me $10,000,” the friend added.
“That’s a lot to deal with. Losing three close family members in three months, is terrible!” replied the man.
“Then this month,” continued the friend, “nothing! Not even a single dime!”
09/25/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11939
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.”
The young woman said, “Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.”
The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.”
The young woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?”
The priest said, “No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”
09/25/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11936
A 72 year old man had one hobby – he loved to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, ‘Pick me up.’ he looked around and couldn’t see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say
again, ‘Pick me up.’
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, ‘Are you talking to me?’
The frog said, ‘Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!’
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.
The frog said, ‘What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said?’
I said, ‘Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.’
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
‘Nah. At my age, I’d rather have a talking frog.’
With age – comes wisdom!
09/24/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11932
A blonde sees a stallion who she’s enamored by. She decides she wants to get up and have a ride, but as usually happens in these situations, things don’t quite go to plan…
Standing beside a valiant stallion, a beautiful blonde decides she must ride this animal despite having no previous riding experience.
Soon, she finds herself atop the horse’s back, galloping through a lush green meadow.
Unsuspectingly, the horse suddenly picks up speed and she finds herself euphoric over the freedom she is experiencing.
Once again, the magnificent animal picks up speed, except this time her inexperience gets the better of her.
She’s barely able to hang on.
The startled horse is now in a dead run and the beautiful blonde finds herself hanging off to one side of the horse, her head just inches from the ground.
Catastrophe is mere seconds away.
She begins to frantically scream for help when all of a sudden…
… Frank, the Wal-Mart doorman, calmly walks up and unplugs the ride.
09/23/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11928
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, D.C. when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter, addressing the Harley rider, says: ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’
The Harley rider replies: ‘Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.’
The reporter says: ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living?’
The biker replies: “I’m a U.S. Marine.”
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on the front page:
“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH”.