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05/27/2021 from DailyJokes
#14837

 

Little Johnny’s neighbours had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Little Johnny looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.” “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes.”
The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnny.”
“Can he see?” asked Little Johnny.
The mother proudly replied, “Yes… we are so thankful, the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision“
Little Johnny replied, “That’s great….cuz he’d be f****ed if he needed glasses.”

Funny +90
-31 Not Funny
05/26/2021 from DailyJokes
#14832

 

A 45 year old woman arrives home from her doctor’s exam, just gleaming with happiness.
Her husband, being a grump, asked: “What’s got you so happy!?”
The woman says, “The doctor said I am in great health. He was also impressed and said I have the breasts of a 20 year old!!”
The husband scoffs.
Then asked, “Really? And what did he say about your 50 year old ass!?”
She responds, “I don’t know. He never asked about you.”

Funny +151
-10 Not Funny
05/25/2021 from DailyJokes
#14829

 

Fred came home from University in tears. “Mum, am I adopted?”

“No of course not”, replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. “Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and… and… I don’t know how to say this… he may not be our son.”

“Well, obviously!” he replied.

“What do you mean?”

“It was your idea in the first place” her husband continued. “You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him.”

“I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred.”

Funny +91
-51 Not Funny
05/24/2021 from DailyJokes
#14825

 

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She’s chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden
she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
Don’t worry about that,’ says St. Peter, ‘It’s only someone having the holes
drilled into her shoulder blades for the angel wings.’
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation.
A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
‘Oh my Goodness,’ says the old lady, ‘now what is happening?’
‘Not to worry,’ says St. Peter, ‘She’s just having her head drilled to fit
the halo.’
‘I can’t do this,’ says the old lady, ‘I’m going to hell.’
‘You can’t go to that nasty place,’ says St. Peter. ‘You’ll be raped and
forced to do oral sex.
‘Maybe so,’ says the old lady, but I’ve already got the holes for that.’

Funny +82
-36 Not Funny
05/23/2021 from DailyJokes
#14821

 

A group of guys, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the waitresses there were gorgeous, with lovely legs, lovely smiles and and great personalities.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food and service was good and the wine selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because they had never been there before and heard it was quite good.

Funny +83
-15 Not Funny
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