A ventriloquist is performing and makes a blonde joke.
A blonde woman in the audience is offended and says “How does my hair color affect my intelligence and value as a person?”
The ventriloquist apologizes and promises not to make any more blonde jokes for the rest of the performance.
The blonde says “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to the guy on your lap.”
After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to use the rest room.
Since he didn’t want anyone to take his shake, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, “The world’s strongest weight lifter,” and left it under his glass.
When he returned from making his pit stop, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with a note that said
“Thanks for the treat!” It was signed, “The world’s fastest runner.”
As an airplane is taking off and is gaining altitude, the pilot comes on the intercom:
“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Thank you for choosing American Airlines. We are on our way to Miami and will reach cruisi….. FU***NG SH***T!! god FU***NG DVMN IT!!! WHAT THE FVCK!!!”
For a moment, there as an eerie silence in the cabin. Then the pilot comes back on: “I do apologize, but our new stewardess spilled hot coffee on my lap. You should have seen my pants from the front.”
A passenger in the cabin says, “You should have seen my pants from the back.”
My uncle Jim is getting older, and he’s having trouble with his memory.
So he went to his doctor, and he started taking these pills to help his memory.
“Hey Uncle Jim,” I said, “what are those memory pills you’re taking called?”
“Ahhhh…um….hmmm” he took a second,
“Hmmmm…hold on let me think ermmmm…..it’s….daisy? No that’s not it….it’s petunia? No..no, let me remember….”
“Well is it like….Tulip?” I suggested?
“No, no. That’s not it…some type of flower I think”
“Is it rose?” I asked,
“Yes, Rose! That’s it!” He exclaimed. Then he leaned his head towards the doorway….“Hey Rose! What’s the name of those new memory pills?”
The Wine Taster At An Old Vineyard Died. A Homeless Guy, Looking Ragged And Dirty, Came To Apply. He Persuaded The Manager To Give Him A Try.
The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It’s a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels.” He said. “Impressive,” said the manager.
The man is given another. “Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in a steel vats.”
The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said. “It’s a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don’t get this job, I’ll tell who the father is!”