Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A grocery store employee is working in the produce department when a customer approaches and asks to buy half a head of lettuce.

“You can’t buy just half a head, we sell them whole.” says the employee.

The customer responds “Go get your manager, and I’ll ask him.”

So the employee goes to his manager and says “Some asshole out there wants to buy just one half of a lettuce head…”, then suddenly realizes the customer is right behind him, so he turns and gestures “and this gentleman would like to buy the other half!”

After the customer leaves, the manager says “That was pretty quick thinking, where are you from?”

The kid says “I’m from Brazil.”

“So why didn’t you stay there? Isn’t it a beautiful country?”

“Yea, but the place is full of either soccer players or sluts.” Said he kid.

“My wife is from Brazil!” growls the manager.

“Really?” Asks the kid without losing a beat, “What team does she play for?”

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head.”

Do you understand all that?”

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, “And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb a–hole’, is it?”

Again the little boy nodded.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”

A man finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates to heaven. In front of them, stands a guardian angel. As the man approaches, the angel greets him and warns him it is not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the fellow religious in life? No? The guardian angel told him that’s bad.

Was he generous? Gave money to the poor? Charities? No? The guardian angel told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? The guardian angel was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, the angel says, “Look, everybody does something nice sometimes. Work with me, I’m trying to help. Now think!”

The man says, “There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell’s Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet, and went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face”.

“Wow”, said the angel, “That’s actually very impressive. When did this happen”?

“Oh, about 10 minutes ago”, replied the man.

A salesman returns from his assignment in Saudi Arabia, where he went to sell them a new brand of Coca-Cola.

Seeing his crestfallen face, a friend asks him: “Why the long face?”

The salesman replied: “I failed in Saudi-Arabia, the campaign was a total failure.”

“Why is that?” Asked the friend, “I thought you had a good campaign running.”

“Well, when I got posted there, I was very confident that I would make a great sales pitch to the saudis. But I had a problem – I didn’t speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the meaning of the message with the use of three images:

First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand in utter exhustion, he has fainted.

Second poster: The man is drinking the new Coca-Cola brand.

Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed and feeling great.

I had these posters pasted all over the place. You couldn’t go anywhere without seeing them.”

“Terrific! That should have worked!” said the friend.

“The heck it should have!” said the salesman.

“Only no one told me they read from right to left!!”