01/10/2019 from Daily Jokes
#12307
Two socialites are conversing on the porch of a large white-pillared mansion.
The first woman said, “When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me.”
The the second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?”
The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me that Ferrari you see parked in the drive.”
Again, the second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?”
The first woman boasted, “Then when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”
Yet again, the second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?”
The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”
The second woman replied, “My husband sent me to charm school.”
“Charm school!” the first woman cried. “For heaven’s sake, child, what on Earth for?”
“Well, it comes in very handy. For example, instead of saying, ‘Who gives a damn,’ I learned to say, ‘Well, isn’t that nice?’
01/09/2019 from Daily Jokes
#12304
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak behind a tree.
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew and knocked the gun over, to the hunter’s horror, it discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Fortunately for him, some hunters nearby heard his scream and called an ambulance.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.
“Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”
“Tell me the good news first, please,” said the hunter.
“Well, the good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”
“What’s the bad news then?’ asked the hunter.
“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I’m going to have to refer you to my brother.”
“Oh no, I mean, at least I’m alright, I feared the worst. I guess it could be worse,’ the hunter replied. ‘Is your brother a plastic surgeon?”
“Not exactly…’ answered the doctor delicately. ‘He’s a flute player in the local symphony. He’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss all over the bathroom.’
01/08/2019 from Daily Jokes
#12300
One night a man was walking back to his apartment when he was set upon by a masked thief.
Although he wasn’t exactly a martial arts specialist, he immediately decided to fight back.
With arms flailing about, the two men engaged in a fierce battle that saw them rolling about on the sidewalk in full view of passers-by, kicking and spitting and screaming in rage.
Despite putting up a tremendous fight, the man was eventually overpowered by the thief and pinned down. He raised in hands in tired defeat, and the thief wearily turned him around and searched his pockets for the treasure he defended so strongly. He searched the man everywhere, but he found nothing more than a single quarter.
“Hey man, did you put up such a crazy fight just for that?” asked the thief, gasping for breath.
“You can’t have it!” shouted the man.
“You’re a crazy person, get lost,” said the bewildered thief.
“Oh, you just want the quarter? I thought you were after the $500 I’ve got in my shoe.”
01/07/2019 from Daily Jokes
#12295
A polish man married an American girl, and though his English wansn’t very good.
They got along very well.
One day he rushes into a lawyer’s office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions:
Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?”
Man: “Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.”
Lawyer: “No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
Man: “It made of concrete.”
Lawyer: “I don’t think you understand. Do either of you have real grudge?”
Man: “No, we have carport, and not need one.”
Lawyer: “I mean what are you relations like?”
Man: “All my relations still in Poland.”
Lawyer: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
Man: “We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.”
Lawyer: “Does your wife beat you up?”
Man: “No, I always up before her.”
Lawyer: “Why do you want this divorce?”
Man: “She going to kill me.”
Lawyer: “What makes you think that?”
Man: “I got proof.”
Lawyer: “What kind of proof?”
Man: “She going to poison me.”
Man: “She buy a bottle at a drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.”
Man: “I can read English pretty good, and its say right there: Regular polish remover”
01/06/2019 from Daily Jokes
#12291
Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital.
When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy
standing next to me was the only male to venture a number.
“Looks like 9 pounds,” he offered confidently.
“This must not be your first,” I said.
“Oh, yes,” he said, “it’s my first.”
“Then how would you know the weight of a baby?” I asked.
He shrugged, “I’m a fisherman.”