Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A woman came home early from work one day and found her husband in bed with a young and attractive woman.

The woman yelled at her husband in anger: “You slimy disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me!? I’m the mother of your children, and I’ve been faithful to you all these years! I want a divorce now!”

The husband answered: “Wait a second my love, let me at least explain what happened.”

“All right, let’s hear what you have to say for yourself,” answered the wife waiting to see just how her husband would try to talk his way out of this one, “but these are your last words.”

Her husband started recalling: “today when I left work and got in my car to head home and this woman asked me for a ride.”

“I noticed that she was very skinny and wearing worn out clothes covered in muck and mud. She told me she hadn’t eaten in three days.”

“She looked worse for wear so I took pity on her and let her into the car.”

“In my mercy for her, instead of taking her straight to where she needed to go, I brought her home first and warmed her up a plate of goulash, the same plate I made for you last night which you didn’t eat claiming you’d ‘get fat’.”

“She devoured it in seconds.”

“Since she needed to get clean, I offered to let her use our shower.”

“While she showered, I noticed that her clothes were very dirty and worn, so I threw them out. She needed new clothes so I brought her the old jeans you no longer wear because they’re ‘too tight’.”

“I also gave her some underwear I bought you that you didn’t wear because ‘I don’t have good taste in clothes’.”

“I found the shirt my mom bought you for Christmas that you didn’t wear to ‘piss her off’. And I gave her the high heels you only wore once because ‘someone at work had the same pair’.”

The husband took a deep breath and continued…

“She was so grateful for my understanding and help. When I walked her to the door she turned around with tears in her eyes and asked…”

“You’re such a great person! Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?”

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Long-Term Care Home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug.”

“Do you want a bed near the window?”

Some people dream of getting a new job, car, or yacht, but for most of us having a baby boy born is one of the greatest moments in our lives. Yet, for one father, it proved to be a very unexpected delivery room drama.

Walter and Linda were a middle aged couple blessed with two beautiful daughters.

Althoug they fealt incredibly lucky for having their girls, Walter and Linda always yearned for a boy.

They began trying for another baby, and it wasnt long before Linda became pregnant.

Nine months later, they welcomed a baby boy into the world.

Walter was at work when his wife was rushed to hospital, so he got there as quickly as he could.

To his horror, his son was absolutely hideous, especially when considering how beautiful his daughters were.

“How can I possibly be the father of that ulgy baby?” he exclaimed to his wife.

“Its just not possible that I fathered him after we had those two beautiful girls.”

Linda blushed, which made him suspicious. “Have you been fooling around behind my back?” he asked.

“Not this time, honey.”

At St. Peter’s Catholic Church, they have weekly husbands’ marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, ‘Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!’

The priest responded, ‘Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?

Giuseppe proudly replied, “I gonna go picka her up.”

Phil, a program manager at a small business, walks out of his office and waved goodbye to his team of employees: Joe, Rick, and Andy.

They see Phil walking out, and unenthusiastically wave back.

A disgruntled Andy looks at the guys and says: “Can you believe this? Every day for the last 6 months this monkey leaves at 4:00 leaving the rest of us to work overtime.”

Joe: “I wish he would help us though, or at least hire more help. I’ve been watching re-runs of my favorite shows on the weekends because I keep missing them.”

Rick: “I know, it’s just not fair. I have kids I want to spend time with.”

Andy: “I don’t care about the project anymore. I haven’t had a home-cooked dinner in months because I’m always stuck working.”

Rick: “Well what can we do? We can’t just ignore our work and leave like Phil does. We have deadlines.”

The guys all agreed Rick was right and continued to work ridiculous hours for the next week.

One day at lunch Andy piped up again.

Andy: “I’m sick of working these hours. I never get to see my wife, and Phil clearly has no idea how long we are here every night.”

Joe: “I know man. I missed last nights GoT premier and I’m having to avoid everyone who watched it.”

Rick: “I hear you both. I’ve missed every soccer game the boys had this month and my wife keeps hassling me about it.”

Andy: “You know what we should do? We should just leave early like Phil does. Forget working late.”

Rick: “What!? We can’t do that. If we leave early we will fall behind even more than we already are.”

Joe: “Yeah, what are you thinking Andy? Plus we will get caught and could lose our jobs.”

Andy: “Hear me out, first guys. Phil is our manager. He is the only one we report to, and how would he even know? He leaves every day at 4:00 on the dot. We just simply leave 15 minutes after he does.”

Joe: “I don’t know, Andy. That sounds really risky.”

Andy: “Come on. Don’t you want to see those shows you always talk about? How about you Rick? Don’t you want to see your kids play in their soccer games?”

Both Andy and Rick nod their heads in agreement.

Rick: “Okay but how would we— when would we even do this? Surely not today?”

Andy: “I don’t see why not? Rick your boys have a game tonight, right? It would be a great surprise for them to have you show up, and I bet your wife would forget all about the games you missed.”

Rick: “Yeah that would be a nice surprise for all of them.”

Joe: “So we’re doing it? We’re all leaving today 15 minutes after Phil does?”

Andy: “Yes. Now let’s finish up lunch and get back to work.”

The three guys went back to work, occasionally glancing at the clock just counting down the time till they could leave.

Sure enough, 4:00 rolls around and Phil comes strolling out of his office waving goodbye to his team.

All three wave back, this time a little more eager to bid their boss farewell. Fifteen minutes fly by and as they planned, each gets up from their desk and leaves for the day.

The next morning Rick, And, and Joe all meet up at the coffee machine in the break room at work.

Joe all eager from binge watching his favorite shows asked the other guys, “So how was your nights off??”

Rick: “Mine was great. The boys were totally surprised I showed up, they won their game and my wife was so happy.”

Joe: “That’s great Rick! I finally got caught up on my shows and even had time to start a new show.”

Rick: “What about you Andy, did you get that home cooked dinner you’ve been missing?”

Andy: “Heck no. I was pulling into the driveway and I seen Phil’s truck sitting right there. At first, I wasn’t sure, if it was him so I snuck out back to peek through the windows and sure enough he was sitting there having dinner with my wife. I got so scared he would see me, so I hauled my butt back here. We definitely can’t be skipping out early again boys.”