Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome.

However, at the Italian Hell a long line of people are waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, “What do they do here?”

He is told: “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Italian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”

“But that’s the same as the others,” says the man. “Why are so many people waiting to get in?”

“Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Italian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.”

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the HELL out of my cab!”

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some time rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There is a line of cabs and at the very end, he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.

So, he gets in the first cab. “How much is it to the airport?” He asks. The driver says, “$15”

“Great, how much for you to sleep with me on the way there?”

The cab driver says, “Get the hell out of my cab.”

So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. “How much to the airport?”

“$15”

“Great, how much for you to sleep with me on the way there?”

And that cab driver also tells him to get the hell out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. The driver doesn’t recognize him and he asks, “Hey how much to the airport?”

The driver responds, “$15”.

The guy hands him $15 and says “Great let’s go!”

And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles at them enthusiastically while giving them the thumbs up!

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $20.00.”

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

You have migraines. You need to take better care of yourself. Get daily rest, drink a lot and avoid bright lights, stress, and strain. See me again in 2 weeks.

During the next 2 weeks, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he even added some oil from his car.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00, again stating he had a bad headache. He waited curiously to see what the computer will say about the odd mix. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water has too much waste in it.

Your dog has ringworms.

Your teenage daughter is pregnant.

Your wife has had 5 different lovers in the past six months.

Also, your car needs a new radiator.

And you wonder why you have a headache?

An arrogant professor boards a plane and gets a seat beside an old man.

Mid-flight, the professor decides to play a game with the old man and prove he’s intellectually superior, so he turns to him and says: “Hey, do you want to play a little game with me?” The old man looks at him and says: “Depends. What type of game?”

The professor goes on to explain the game: “Taking turns, we’ll ask each other one question at a time. If the other knows the answer, the asker gives him one dollar, and if he doesn’t, he gives one dollar to the asker. Want to play?” The professor grins, knowing his general knowledge is vastly superior.

To his dismay, the old man refuses! Determined to make him agree, the professor raises the stakes for him.

“If I lose, I ‘ll give you two dollars instead of one!”

“No.”

“Five dollars!”

“No.”

“Ten dollars!”

“I told you, no.”

Desperate, the professor makes one final offer: “If I lose, I’ll give you a hundred dollars, and if you lose you’ll only give me one!” The professor pleads. The old man ponders this, then sighs. “Only if I get to start”, and the professor immediately agrees. “Ask away”, the professor says, confident he’ll never lose.

The old man asks: “What has five heads, forty feet, and lives inside of a bucket?”

The professor turns the riddle over in his head, trying to find anything that fits the description. After an hour of intense concentration, the professor gives up. Grumbling, he pulls out his wallet and gives the old man $100. He wastes no time and asks him: “So what has five heads, forty feet, and lives inside of a bucket?”

The old man smiles, shrugs and says: “I’ve got no idea. Here’s your dollar.”

A man drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door…

A boy, about 8, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” the man asked the boy.

“No, they went into town,” the boy replied.

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” the man asked.

“No, he went with mom and dad,” the boy said.

The man stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says: “I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.”

“Well,” The man said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my sister pregnant.”

The boy thought for a moment then said: “You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”