Daily Joke: Jokes Library

After 20 years of marriage, a wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday. She figures there’s no harm in it if she’s there with him, after all.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a glass of red wine.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink that?”

“She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real witch tonight, Dave.”

A DEA police officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. From the first second he had a bad attitude about him, annoyed he had to muddy his clean boots out in the country. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher says, “Alright, you can search the ranch, but do not go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer, clearly angry, says, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.

“See this badge? DO you?!? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land, no questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand me?!?” He shouts.

The rancher nods quietly, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis Bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, as he runs for all he’s worth.

The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs:

“Your badge… Show him your BADGE!!!”

A police officer is walking his beat when he catches with his eye a trail of $50 notes leading into an alley. Curious, he immediately goes in and finds an old woman with two bags of trash dragging on the ground, one of them leaving $50 notes in its wake.

He calls the woman to halt and approaches her.

“Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole”. He points out.

The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks:

“Hope you don’t mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?”

“Well, you see Mr.Officer,” the old lady explains, “I have a lovely house at the end of the street and it just so happens to be right next to a very famous bar. I don’t mind the noise but every night there are always some drunkards that piss all over my garden.” She said, her voice shaking with indignation.

“So, yesterday night I stood there with my pruning shears and whenever someone got their thingy out I’d say: ‘$50 bucks or I’ll cut it off!'”

Laughing at the amusing idea of those scared drunkards handing their money, the Police Officer lets her go about her way. But as she turns to go he jokingly asks:

“Is the second bag filled with money too?”

“Well, you know Mr. Officer, not everyone pays.”

The FBI had an open position for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. They brought them in and starting running exams on their skills. They passed all with flying colors. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.’ Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her.’

The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.’

The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.’

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.’

The agent said, ‘You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife home.’

Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. ‘Some joker loaded the gun with blanks,’ he panted. ‘I had to do it the hard way.’

After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous beauty and actress Scarlett Johansson finds herself alone on a deserted island. Hours pass, and only one other man makes it to the island with her. and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn’t know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was, of course.

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learned how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, she took care of him in return, and eventually she started really caring about him. After all, there wasn’t anyone else in the island.

He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make life easier.

One night she threw herself at him and they made love. After that, they were for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.

But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed. “What’s wrong?” Scarlett Johansson asked, “Nothing…” the guy would say.

She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn’t asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him to try.

“Really?, you’ll do anything I’d like?”

“Sure,” she said “anything!”

“Ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore.”

“Ok…”

“Now put this shirt on please, but first, “tape” your boobs so they are flat.”

“Wha… ok, I’d say I’d do anything” she said lovingly.

“oO, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it.”

She was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat.

“Now I’d like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache.”

“Ok… if this is what you want…” she muttered.

“Now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach I’ll catch up to you in a bit,” he said a bit excited…

She started walking, wondering and doubting herself. She was confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn’t her, maybe it was him?

Suddenly, the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: “Man! you won’t believe WHO I’ve been sleeping with for the past 6 months!”