Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off to her house. Exhausted from the afternoon’s shenanigans, they fell asleep and woke up at around 10 pm.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Mystified, she complied nonetheless. He proceeded to slip his shoes on and drove home.

“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.

“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until now.

The wife glanced down at his shoes and shouted: “You liar! You’ve been playing golf!”

During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.

“Private! See that Nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”

“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running. He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and fired, destroying the tank all the while under heavy fire from the enemy trenches.

“See, British soldiers are the bravest.”

“That’s nothing” said the Russian General “Comrade! See that enemy soldier manning that machine gun there? Run across the mines into the trenches and kill him with a knife.”

“Da, Comrade General!” The Russian soldier bravely charges across the minefield under heavy fire, jumped into the trenches fought his way through many enemy soldier then being shot many times from the machine gun nest before reaching that soldier and slicing his throat after a bloody brawl. He makes it out and crumples to the floor, dead from his many wounds.

“Nobody more brave than Russian soldier.” Laughs the Russian general.

The American general, unimpressed said “Let me show you all what real courage is.”

He calls one of his men over.

“Private! See that enemy command post over there? I want you to run naked across the minefields, fight your way through the trenches, go to the command post and kill the commanding officer bare handed!”

Without hesitation, the American soldier salutes and says “No disrespect, General, but go jump off a cliff!”

“See? Now THAT takes some real guts!”

A mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Pete in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

“What happened Paddy ?” she asks anxiously.

“What happened!! I’ll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home… and guess what I found??

“Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Tim McDurmt in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”

“Come now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. ‘ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. “There now Pete, you see? I told you there must be a simple explanation!

“Well, WHAT is it?” Fumed Pete.

“She never got your E-mail!”

After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”

“In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after we make love the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after making love with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?”

“Oh that crazy old fart…” she replied.

“That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!”

It was 1943 during WWII, and an Italian officer, an imperial Japanese officer and a German officer got captured.

They all sit in a cell and wait to be interrogated by the Allies.

The German says: “My superior genetics will let me withstand every torture! I won’t tell them anything!”

The Japanese says: “I will never dishonor my country and tell them our secrets!”

The Italian says: “I guess I’m screwed.”

First they pick the German and pull him out of the cell away from the others. The next day they bring him back with bruises and cuts everywhere and he says: “I have failed, I told them everything.”

Next they pick the Japanese. Two days later they bring him back badly beaten up and in a bad condition. He says: “I have dishonored the emperor and i don’t deserve this life! I told them everything.”

ow they pick the Italian, who is already crying and asking for mercy. For two weeks they don’t hear anything from the Italian and start wondering what happened to him.

Then they bring him back, in a horrible condition, barely alive and the guard says: “I would have never believed that you guys would speak and the Italian is the one who wouldn’t say a word to us.”

They throw him back in the cell and the German and the Japanese rush to him and ask what happened and why he didn’t say anything.

The Italian answers: “Mamma mia, I wanted to tell them everything, but then they tied my hands behind my back!”