Daily Joke: Jokes Library

One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a streetlight.

The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wristwatch had broken loose from his wrist.

The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for his watch.

After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped.

“About a half a block up the street,” the drunk said.

“Why, pray tell,” the man asked the drunk, “are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?”

The drunk replied, “The light is a lot better here.”

A man walks into a bar and says to the barman: “You see that glass at the other end of the bar? I bet you $100 that I can pee in it from over here.”

The barman agrees to the bet, so the man begins to urinate all over the bar, its patrons and even the barman himself – basically everywhere except in the glass.

“Ha!” says the barman. “You owe me $100!”

“Wait here,” the man replies, and he walks over to the pool table. Someone hands him some money and they have a laugh together.

The man walks back over to the barman and hands him $100.

“Thanks,” the barman says, “but what were you laughing about with that dude over there?”

The man replies: “Oh, nothing. I just bet him $1000 that I could pee all over your bar, including on you, and you’d still be smiling at the end of it.”

An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat at the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.

The bartender approached and told him: “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The Irishman replied: “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each me brothers and one for me self.”

The bartender admitted that this was a fine tradition, and left it there. The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way: He ordered three pints and drank them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars took notice and fell silent.

When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said: “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The Irishman looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned and he laughed. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explained.

“It’s just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

A couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon, and watches the auctioning off of bulls for stud.

The man selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.”

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments: “See! That was 5 times a month!”

The second bull is to be sold: “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”

Again the wife bugs her husband: “Hey, that’s some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!”

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison… The third bull is up for sale: “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!”

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: “That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!”

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back:

“Sure, but why don’t you ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow?!?”

Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: do not step on the ducks!!”

So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says: “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this man!”

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and is very careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says: “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

The guy says: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”