Daily Joke: Jokes Library

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

“One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ….”

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

“Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! The Devil and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!”

The man said, “Beat it, kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord…?” Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last, they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”

The old man beat the boy to the gate.

After 20 years of work, a successful gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and decided that, even though this is all he knew, he would seek new career for himself.

Hoping to try a career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic, as working in a garage is always something he thought he might be good at.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”

After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford on the subject of modern nutrition.

“The rubbish we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet,

a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said:

“Wedding Cake?”

Two eighty year-old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a cafe, the little old man says, “Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you the thrill of your life.”

“Why, yes, I remember it well, dear,” replies the little old lady with a grin.

“Well, for old time’s sake, let’s go there again, and I’ll do it again.”

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them had overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old timers at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady’s hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 10 minutes of the most athletic love making the man has ever seen. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don’t move for an entire hour.

The young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this – not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, “I have to know his secret. If only I could make love like that now, let alone in 50 years’ time!”

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves.

Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, “Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody make love like that, particularly at your age! What’s your secret? Could you make love like that 50 years ago??”

The pensioner replies, “I don’t think so, son. 50 years ago, that fence wasn’t electrified!”

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:

‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep.

Can I come with him tomorrow??’