Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage:

“Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its’ heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic.

“Try doing it with the engine running”

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at a casino in Australia.

She seemed a little intoxicated and bet $25,000 on a single roll of the dice.

She said “I hope you don’t mind but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude”

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled “Come on baby, mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop she yelled “YES! YES!, I WON! I WON!”

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally one of them asked “What did she roll?”

The other answered “I don’t know, I thought you were watching.”

MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are drunks, Not all blondes are dumb, But all men…are men.

A traveling salesman checks into a futuristic motel.

Realizing his hair needs cutting, he calls the desk clerk to ask if there’s a barber on the premises.

“I’m afraid not sir,” the clerk tells him, “but there’s a vending machine down the hall that should be able to help you”.

Intrigued, the salesman finds the machine with the sign HAIRCUTS $10.00.

He is skeptical but puts in $10 and sticks his head in.

The machine starts to whirl and buzz.

Fifteen seconds later, he pulls out his head to reveal the best haircut of his life!

Looking around, he sees another machine with the sign MANICURES $10.00.

“Why not”, he thinks and inserts his hands into the opening. Fifteen seconds later, he pulls them out to find they’re perfectly manicured.

Amazed at this new technology, he reads the sign on the next machine, THIS MACHINE PROVIDES WHAT MEN NEED MOST WHEN AWAY FROM THEIR WIVES $10.00.

He looks around to check there’s no one about, then puts his money into the machine, unzips his fly and eagerly sticks his willy into the machine.

The buzzing starts and the guy shrieks in agony, but he cant escape!

Fifteen seconds later, the machine shuts down and, with trembling hands he withdraws his manhood………….

now with a button neatly sewn on the end!!

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.

When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace.

When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”

To that she replies “Well, come here and I’ll warm them between my legs.”

He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.

When he returns, he again says, “Honey, my hands are really freezing!”

She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”

A g‌‌uy s‌‌ends a‌‌ t‌‌ext t‌‌o h‌‌is n‌‌ext-door n‌‌eighbor.

“Bob, I‌‌’m s‌‌orry. I‌‌’ve b‌‌een r‌‌iddled w‌‌ith g‌‌uilt a‌‌nd I‌‌ h‌‌ave t‌‌o c‌‌onfess: I‌‌ h‌‌ave b‌‌een h‌‌elping m‌‌yself t‌‌o y‌‌our w‌‌ife w‌‌hen y‌‌ou’re n‌‌ot a‌‌round, p‌‌robably m‌‌ore t‌‌han y‌‌ou. I‌‌ k‌‌now i‌‌t’s n‌‌o e‌‌xcuse b‌‌ut I‌‌ d‌‌on’t g‌‌et i‌‌t a‌‌t h‌‌ome. I‌‌ c‌‌an’t l‌‌ive w‌‌ith t‌‌he g‌‌uilt a‌‌ny l‌‌onger. I‌‌ h‌‌ope y‌‌ou’ll a‌‌ccept m‌‌y s‌‌incerest a‌‌pology. I‌‌t w‌‌on’t h‌‌appen a‌‌gain.”

Feeling o‌‌utrage a‌‌nd b‌‌etrayed, B‌‌ob g‌‌rabs h‌‌is g‌‌un, g‌‌oes i‌‌nto t‌‌he b‌‌edroom, a‌‌nd w‌‌ithout a‌‌ w‌‌ord, s‌‌hoots h‌‌is w‌‌ife.

Moments l‌‌ater t‌‌he g‌‌uy g‌‌ets a‌‌ s‌‌econd t‌‌ext: “‌‌Really s‌‌hould u‌‌se s‌‌pell c‌‌heck! T‌‌hat s‌‌hould b‌‌e ‘wifi’.”