Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Two old guys were sitting on a bus bench when a good looking young blonde with a short skirt got off.

One old guy says to the other Boy I sure would like to get a piece of that.

The other old guy says yeah, me too but mine just doesn’t work anymore.

The other one says don’t you know how to keep that thing working?

He says no, how do you do that?

The other old guy says you have to eat a lot of french bread.

So this guy goes the the store and buys 100 loaves of french bread.

When he gets up to the checker she tells him don’t you know thats going to get hard before you eat all that?

And he says Oh! you’ve heard about that too!

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and

killed devil itself…

my wife rushes through the room and shouts…

“YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”

A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'” The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.

The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.” He explains to her why they are dam fish.

Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!”

A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle.

“Can you imagine, a people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? And grind up grass seed, make it into paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals?”

When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, “What I’ve been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and buttered toast.”

Brenda McCarthy is home making dinner for her husband Patrick when Tim Finnegan knocks at her door.

“May I come in, Brenda darlin’?” says Tim sadly, “I’ve somethin to tell ya.”

“Of course, Tim, come in, but where’s Patrick?” she asks.

“That’s what I’m here to be tellin ya, Brenda,” says Tim. “There was an accident down at the Brewery.”

“Oh, God NO!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me…..”

“I’m so sorry, darlin'” says Tim, his voice breaking, “Your dear husband Patrick is dead.”

Brenda buries her face in her hands and asks tearfully “How did it happen, Tim?”

“It was a terrible thing to see, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”

“Oh my dear Jesus! But tell me true, Tim, did he at least die quickly?”

Tim hesitated. “Well, no, darlin, not really, no.”

“NO?”

“No, in fact he got out three times to pee.”