Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A violent tropical storm enveloped a sailing yacht off the southern coast of Florida lasting all night and most of the next morning. As the sky cleared and the seas calmed, the people on the yacht realized they were grounded on a coral reef about a mile from shore in shark infested waters.
Most of those aboard the yacht were badly injured from their ordeal. The only able bodied that were on board were a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.
The doctor says, “Someone is going to have to swim ashore and get some help. I would volunteer but most of the crew and passengers are in pretty bad shape and I am needed here to care for them.”
The priest replies, “I would volunteer to go also but I might be needed to comfort the injured or perform last rights.”
The lawyer says, “No problem.”
He immediately strips off his shirt and dives into the shark infested water. There is a great turbulence in the water and then the doctor and priest notice that all of the sharks have formed a double line from the yacht to the beach allowing the lawyer to swim between them.
“My Goodness,” says the priest. “It is a miracle!”
The doctor looking at the lawyer swimming to shore says, “No, Father. It is not a miracle. It’s professional courtesy!”

There was a swimming competition to cross the
English Channel by only being allowed to do the breaststroke.
The three women who entered the race were a brunette,
a redhead, and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on
the shore and was declared the fastest swimmer.
About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore
and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours later, the blonde finally came ashore and
promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete
the race, she replied,
“I don’t want to sound like I’m a sore loser, but I think that
the other girls were using their arms…”

After three crop failures in a row farmer Jones could not pay his loan at the bank.
“Give me one more chance he pleaded. Don’t take my farm, we’ll be broke and homeless.”
The bank manager comes up with an idea.
“OK, one more chance but not with crops. No one fails at pig farming so we’ll finance the purchase of five sows to start you off. Your neighbor down the road has a boar pig and you’ll have to take your sows to him so the boar can service them. In a few months you should have a bunch of little piglets all ready for market.”
Farmer Jones collects the five sows, loads them into his pickup truck, drives to his neighbor and unloads the five sows into the boar’s pen. They then go back to the farm house and have a couple of beers.
When enough time has passed they go back to the boar’s pen and load five happy sows into the pickup.
Farmer Jones asks, “What if it didn’t take?”
“That never happens with my boar,” replies the neighbor.
“But how can I tell for sure?”
“Look, tomorrow morning observe your sows. If they’re rolling in the mud, it took, if they’re on the grass, call me.”
The following morning farmer Jones observed his sows strolling on the grass.
He calls his neighbor who instructs him to bring them back.
He rounds them up, loads them into the pickup and drives to the boar’spen where the whole process is repeated.
Unlucky farmer Jones has to load them in the pickup and take them back four times.
On the fifth morning he is so worried he can’t look.
He stalls for half an hour then asks his wife to look. “I hope they’re not on the grass, dear.”
“Well they’re not,” says his wife.
“Oh finally, then they’re rolling in the mud!” exclaimed the farmer.
“No…”
“Well what are those fool sows doing?
“Well, four are trying to climb into the pickup and the fifth managed to climb into the cab and is trying to honk the horn!!!”

An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater
with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets.
The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him.
He replies, “Well, my pet chicken, of course!”
“I’m sorry,” The girl tells him.
“We can’t allow animals in the theater.”
The guy goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into  his pants.
He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in.
Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins
to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can
stick it’s head out and watch the movie.
Seated next to him is a woman.
She looks over at his lap and is horrified.
She elbows her friend Myrtle and whispers,
“Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!”
Myrtle whispers back, “Oh, don’t worry about it…you’ve seen one,
you’ve seen them all.”
Agnes says, “I KNOW…BUT THIS ONE IS EATING MY POPCORN!!”

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”

“Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!” the manager asked.

“That’s the one!”

“That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?”

“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me.”