Daily Joke: Jokes Library

It was a little boy’s first day in school and a teacher was going to play a “guessing” game.

She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received.

When it was the new boy, Kenny’s turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss.

She asked “Do you know what it is?”

Kenny replied “No”
The teacher said, “Go ahead and open it up and taste it.”

Little Kenny did so.

The teacher then asked, “Now do you know what it is?”

Little Kenny said “No.”

The teacher said, “I”ll give you a hint it is something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work.”

A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams “KENNY, SPIT IT OUT… IT’S A PIECE OF ASS.”

Yesterday I was at my local TSC store buying a large bag of my dog’s food for my loyal livestock guard dog and was in the checkout, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 10 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s rear end and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I’m now banned from Tractor Supply.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of things to say.

Two Blondes, living in Kansas, were sitting on a bench one evening, one asked the other.

“What do you think is farther, Florida or the moon?”

The other blonde give her a puzzled look and replies,

“Helloooooooooooooooooooo Can you see Florida??????!!!!!!”

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”

His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said,

“Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”

Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, “Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?”

Frank says, “Jim, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We’ve been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you.”

So, they keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Frank turns to Jim and says, “Jim, if you had two of those luxury type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?”

Jim says, “Frank, you and me are like brothers, you were best man at my wedding, you attended my son’s wedding, we have gone to the same lodge together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Frank, I really would give the other one to you.”

They keep walking. A couple of minutes later, Jim turns to Frank, “Frank, if you had two chickens…”

“Now hold on there! Jim, you KNOW I’ve got two Chickens!”