Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5
months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people
who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear
heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out
what I’m doing..
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven’t lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die,
they’ll say,
‘Well, he/she looks good.’
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a
small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
AND Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
examination whereupon the doctor said
“You are in fine shape for your age.. but tell me..
do you still have intercourse?”
“Just a minute .. I’ll have to ask my husband,” she said.
She went out to the reception room and said:
“Jake do we still have intercourse?”
Jake answered impatiently
“If I told you once I told you a thousand times
We have blue cross !!”

The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho.
Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.
The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies that he knows little Johnny, as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, and if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the Regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.
After listening, he replies: “I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the darn wall!”

Having determined that the husband was infertile,
a childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.
When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told
to undress, get up on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.
She was feeling very comfortable about the whole situation
and when the doctor started dropping his pants, she freaked.
“Wait a second!
What the hell is going on here?” she yelled.
“Don’t you want to get pregnant?” asked the doctor.
“Well, yes, but” stammered the woman.
“Well lie back and spread ’em,” replied the doctor.
“Were out of the bottled stuff, so you’ll just have to settle
for what’s on tap.”

There was a woman who had a dog that snored.
She called her vet to find out if there was anything that would stop the snoring.
The vet suggested that she tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles.
So, she went to her sewing basket, found a length of ribbon and tied it around the dog’s testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stopped snoring.
Later that evening, her husband came home drunk, fell into the bed and immediately went to sleep.
In his slumber, he began to snore.
“Well,” she thought, “if it worked for the dog, it might just work for him.”
With that, she went to her sewing basket and retrieved another length of ribbon.
She tied it around her husband’s testicles and sure enough, he stopped snoring.
During the night, the husband got up to go to the bathroom.
As he passed the mirror, he notice the blue ribbon tied around him.
He looked over at the dog and noticed a red ribbon tied around the dog.
“Well, boy, I don’t know where we’ve been but we won first and second place!”