Daily Joke: Jokes Library

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the hell the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side,he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again.”Is it going to be a very cold winter?” he asked.

“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied,”it’s going to be a very cold winter.”

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It looks like it’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”

“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy”.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

“Look, it’s not the same hat!” “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”

– Hello! Gordon’s pizza?
– No sir it’s Google’s pizza.

– So it’s a wrong number? Sorry
– No sir, Google bought it.

– OK. Take my order please
– Well sir, you want the usual?

– The usual? You know me?
– According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust.

– OK! This is it …
– May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato.?

– What? I hate vegetables.
– Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

– How do you know?
– We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscribers guide.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

– Okay, but I do not want this pizza!,I already take medicine …
-Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.

– I bought more from another drugstore.
– It’s not showing on your credit card statement

– I paid in cash
– But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement

– I have have other source of cash
– This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.

-WHAT THE HELL?
– I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.

– Enough! I’m sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I’m going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me

– I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 5 weeks ago.

Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates.

“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”

Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.  St.Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,”And just what do those Symbolize?”

The man replied, “They’re Carols”.

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus.

She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus’ first step.

So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.

And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

The pretty young woman went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!!!”

At this the Texan drawled, “Well ma’am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends.”