Daily Joke: Jokes Library

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald’s fast food establishment.

Not sure if they hired him….

NAME – Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION – Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY – $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION – Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD – Reclining on my mom’s couch.

SALARY – Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT – My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING – It sucked

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK – Any

PREFERRED HOURS – 1:30 – 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be ‘Do you have a car that runs?’

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.

Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

“Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven. “But you realize, I hope, that we’ve got all the good players and the best coaches.”

“I know, and that’s all right,” Satan answered unperturbed. “We’ve got all the umpires.”

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:

1 – The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 – The bouncer is a blonde gal.

3 – I’m a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.

5 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

A man finds a wallet with $700 in it. A few days later, he reads a notice stating that a wealthy man has lost his wallet and is offering a $50 reward to anyone who returns it. He soon locates the owner and gives him the wallet, and the rich man counts the money and says, “I see you have already taken your reward.”

The poor man responds, “What are you talking about?” The wealthy man continues, “This wallet had $750 in it when I lost it.”

The two men begin arguing, and eventually they go to court to sort out their differences. Both men present their case, the poor man first, then the wealthy man who concludes by saying, “Your Honor, I trust you believe me.”

The Judge says, “Of course.” The rich man smiles, and the poor man is devastated. Then the Judge takes the wallet out of the wealthy man’s hands and gives it to the poor man who found it. “What are you doing?” the rich man yells angrily.

The Judge responds, “You are, of course, an honest man, and if you say that your missing wallet had $750 in it, I’m sure it did – but if the man who found this wallet is a liar and a thief, he wouldn’t have returned it at all, which means that this wallet must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he’ll get the money – otherwise, it stays with the man who found it.”

“What about my money?” the rich man asks.

“Well, we’ll just have to wait until somebody finds your wallet with the $750 in it.

A woman scanned the guest at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone so she approached him.

“My name is Carmen,” she told him.

“That’s a beautiful name,” he replied, “Is it a family name?”

“No! I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most-cars and men.”

“What’s your name?” she asked.

With a smile he replied,

“B.J. Titsenbeer”