Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Brenda McCarthy is home making dinner for her husband Patrick when Tim Finnegan knocks at her door.

“May I come in, Brenda darlin’?” says Tim sadly, “I’ve somethin to tell ya.”

“Of course, Tim, come in, but where’s Patrick?” she asks.

“That’s what I’m here to be tellin ya, Brenda,” says Tim. “There was an accident down at the Brewery.”

“Oh, God NO!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me…..”

“I’m so sorry, darlin'” says Tim, his voice breaking, “Your dear husband Patrick is dead.”

Brenda buries her face in her hands and asks tearfully “How did it happen, Tim?”

“It was a terrible thing to see, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”

“Oh my dear Jesus! But tell me true, Tim, did he at least die quickly?”

Tim hesitated. “Well, no, darlin, not really, no.”

“NO?”

“No, in fact he got out three times to pee.”

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.”

“Susan is actually your half sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.” George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.

A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.” Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news.

“Diane is your half sister too, George. “I’m awfully sorry about this.”

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

“Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.”

“Hee hee,” his mother chuckled, shaking her head, “Don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”

An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by.

Then he spoke:

“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.

“Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center.

“Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.

“To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.”

The nurse was really impressed. She said, “Your husband must have been quite a man, amassing so much property to leave to all of you.”

And the wife responded, “What property? … the schmuck had a paper route! !”

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana.

He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer to let her know he had arrived safely.

Unfortunately, he miss typed a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.

The preacher’s wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.

When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: “Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here.”

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?” the man asked.

“No, I don’t gamble,” the homeless man said. “I need everything I can get just to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20years!”

“Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?” the man asked.

“What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?” exclaimed the homeless man.

“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex.”