Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay of Fundy, Nova Scotia, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. “We know it’s late, sir, but we have some information about your wife,” said one of the Mounties.

“Tell me! Did you find her!?” the husband shouted.
The Mounties looked at each other. One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said: “Give me the bad news first.”
The second Mountie said: “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay.”

“Oh my God!” exclaimed the husband.
Swallowing hard, he asked: “What’s the good news?”

The Mountie continued: “When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her.”

Stunned, the husband demanded: “If that’s the good news, what’s the great news???”
The Mountie answered: “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow”.

A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher. I was testing the children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, ‘ If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’ ‘NO!’ the children answered.
‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?’ Again, the answer was ‘NO!’
‘If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’Again, they all answered ‘NO!’

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ‘Then how can I get into heaven?’
A little boy shouted out: ‘YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN’ DEAD!’
It’s a curious race, the Irish. Brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it? eh?

Two neighbors, one is rich and the other is poor. The poor have a magic lamp. Every morning he wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say “Ask what you want”, and the poor asks for a cup of tea.

The rich neighbor, very envious of the magic lamp and said to the poor man “I’ll give you my car and my house in exchange of the lamp.”  The poor accepted the deal.

The rich man wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say “Ask what you want” then the rich man asked for a very big house and an very expensive car. The genie replied “Sorry sir, I only serve tea and coffee.”

A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant and  started to wonder if there were any Chinese Jews.  So, when the waiter came over to take his order, he asked,  “Pardon me, but I’d like to know if there are  any Chinese Jews?”

The waiter said,  “I don’t know. I go into kitchen and ask manager.” After taking his order, the waiter went to the kitchen  and returned in a few minutes.

He explained to the man, “No. No Chinese Jews.  We have orange Jews, tomato Jews, grape Jews, and
pineapple Jews, but no Chinese Jews.”

Joe woke up one morning and looked for his wife,
but his wife wasn’t there. She had awakened and was
preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he
might spoil ‘the moment’ by getting up, so he
called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:

THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy.  It read:
TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE
NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read:
THE TENT POLE’S STILL UP
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU’RE DOING
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD

To which she replied:
I’M SURE THAT YOUR POLE’S
THE BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I’M BUSY RIGHT NOW
SO DO IT BY HAND !