Daily Joke: Jokes Library

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in very seductive voice, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her panties……and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen Fifty Thousand Dollars all crumpled up?”

He said, “No!” trying to contain his excitement.

She said, “Check your truck in the garage.”

It was a little boy’s first day in school and a teacher was going to play a “guessing” game.

She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received.

When it was the new boy, Kenny’s turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss.

She asked “Do you know what it is?”

Kenny replied “No”
The teacher said, “Go ahead and open it up and taste it.”

Little Kenny did so.

The teacher then asked, “Now do you know what it is?”

Little Kenny said “No.”

The teacher said, “I”ll give you a hint it is something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work.”

A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams “KENNY, SPIT IT OUT… IT’S A PIECE OF ASS.”

Yesterday I was at my local TSC store buying a large bag of my dog’s food for my loyal livestock guard dog and was in the checkout, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 10 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s rear end and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I’m now banned from Tractor Supply.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of things to say.

Two Blondes, living in Kansas, were sitting on a bench one evening, one asked the other.

“What do you think is farther, Florida or the moon?”

The other blonde give her a puzzled look and replies,

“Helloooooooooooooooooooo Can you see Florida??????!!!!!!”

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”

His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said,

“Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”