Daily Joke: Jokes Library

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know, I’ll come up and see.” He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, “Was I going up the stairs or coming down?”

The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that w@nk!ng before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.” He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan…

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to w@nk. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.  Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?”

He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?” The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.” Came the reply, “Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you’re down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago.”

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny’s father said,  “Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle?  Wait until Christmas.”

Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.  The father said, “Well, the mortgage is still extremely high,  sorry about that … Ask me again some other time.”

Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of  the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.  The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.

The boy said, “Yesterday I was walking past your room,  and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I’ll be DAMNED if I get stuck with a $80,000 mortgage!”

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench enjoying a cigarette.

A woman stopped, “excuse me young man, but I’ll have you know that those can take years off of your life.”

“No disrespect ma’am, but I’ll have you know that my grandfather lived to the ripe old age of 104.”

“Did he smoke also?”

“No, he minded his own f**king business.”

To prepare for his big date with a blonde hottie, the young  man went up to the roof of his apartment building in order  to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof,  and managed to get a sunburn on his “tool of the trade.”

This young man was determined not to miss this date,  so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped  it in gauze. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment,
and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner,  after which they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, however, the young man’s sunburn  started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured  himself a tall, cool, glass of milk.  He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and  experienced an immediate relief of his pain.

The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing,  wandered into the kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed  in the glass of milk.  Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed,  “So that’s how you guys load those things!”