Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly
couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had.
When the squad got there is was too late and the man  had died.
While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that  the bed was a mess.
He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered
and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.
The lady replied, “Well, we were in the bed making love
and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating.
I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going.”

Why do you have to ‘put your two cents in’..
but it’s only a ‘penny for your thoughts’?
Where’s that extra penny going?
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes
you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it
would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’
when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money
in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They’re going to see you naked anyway.
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a
stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They’re both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap,
why didn’t he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come
from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have
the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere,
but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face,
he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride,
he sticks his head out the window?

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. “Sir,” she said “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.” He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them? He couldn’t resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don’t have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure..

The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn’t wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. “What happened?” he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button. “The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your manhood is under your pillow.”

Two blondes decide to go duck hunting.
Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before
and after several hours they still haven’t bagged any.
One hunter looks at the other and says
“I just don’t understand it.
Why aren’t we getting any ducks?”
Her friend says “I keep telling you,
I just don’t think we’re throwing the dog high enough.”

A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin and
his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?”
“I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding
his arms, “that a few miles back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the man.
“For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”