Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had manhood 24 inches long.  When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their shaft and on the other end is a weight.  After a while, the weight stretches it to 24 inches

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said,  “How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?”
The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his willy

A few days later, the wife asked the husband,  “How is our little tribal experiment coming along?”

“Well, it looks like we’re about half way there,” he replied.

“Wow, you’ve grown to 12 inches??”

“No…it’s turned black.”

Mrs. Jones, deeply troubled, was consulting a psychiatrist.
“My husband,” she said, “is convinced he’s a chicken.
He goes around squawking constantly and sleeps on a large
bar of wood he has fixed up as a perch.”
“I see,” said the psychiatrist thoughtfully.
“And how long has your husband been suffering from
this fixation?”
“For nearly two years now.”
The psychiatrist frowned slightly and said,
“But why have you waited till now to seek help?”
Mrs. Jones blushed and said,
“Oh, well it was so nice having a steady supply of eggs.”

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the Yellowhead for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. “There ain’t no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

“What in heck am I doing?” he thought and pulled over. The Mountie came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “I’ve had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don’t feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before you can go.” “Last week my wife ran off with a cop,” the man said, “and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!” “Have a nice night”, said the cop.

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet.
She had been told the combination, but couldn’t quite remember it.
She went to the pastor’s study and asked for help.
The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial.
After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment.
Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently.
Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.
The teacher was amazed. “I’m in awe at your faith, pastor,” she said.
“It’s really nothing,” he answered. “The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling.”

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
“I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”
She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”
“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?”
“We use it when we make love,” she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it?”
The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”