Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Everyone asked a 100 year-old man for his health secrets: The old man said: “I’ll tell you you a secret. I’ve been married for 75 years. Promised my wife when we got married that when two people quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers. I’ve been walking 5 kilometers everyday for 75 years!”

Everyone asked again:”But how come your wife’s very healthy as well?”

The old man answered: “I’ll tell you another secret: she’d been following me to make sure I really finish the 5 kilometers!”

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN

The only question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.

In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.

In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.

In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.

In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.

And in the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”

I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife!

He said, “Why? Is she super-hot too?

I said, “No, she’s an optometrist!”

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave. “Hes on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.

Someone mistakenly left the cages open in the reptile house
at the Bronx Zoo and there were snakes slithering all over
the place. Frantically, the keeper tried everything, but he could not get
them back in their cages.
Finally he yelled to his co-worker, “Quick, call a lawyer!”
The co-worker responded, “A lawyer? Why??”
The zookeeper barked back,
“We need someone who speaks their language!”