Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Following Smith’s physical, Dr. Bernard sent his patient a bill.
A month went by without a remittance, the office sent the first letter… another bill, and then another, and then a fourth, but no payment came…
Finally he sent Smith a pathetic letter, claiming desperately strained circumstances and enclosing a shot of his infant daughter.
On the back of the snapshot he wrote, “The reason I desperately need the money you owe me!”
Barely a week later a response from Smith arrived in the mail.
Dr. Bernard ripped it open eagerly, and found himself holding a picture of a gorgeous woman in a full length mink coat.
On the back of the photograph the patient had scrawled, “The reason I can’t pay!”

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when
God appeared before her.
“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly.
Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your
actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others.
I have come to you, not only to thank and commend
you, but to grant you anything you wish,” said God.
“Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy.
I am a bride of Christ.
I am doing what I love.
I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me.
I am content in all ways,” said the nun.
“There must be something you would have of me,” said God.
“Well, there is one thing,” she said.
“Just name it,” said God.
“It’s those blonde jokes.
They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere,
not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop.”
“Consider it done,” said God.
“Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere.
But surely there is something that I could do just for you.”
“There is one thing.
But it’s really small, and not worth your time,” said the nun.
“Name it. Please,” said God.
“It’s the M&M’s,” said the nun.
“They’re so hard to peel…”

A woman wants to divorce her husband, so she is talking to her lawyer.

Lawyer: “Well first we need a reason, is he not giving you money?”

Woman: “if he hides as much as a dollar from me, I’m not cooking for him for three days straight.”

Lawyer: “Well is he beating you?”

Woman: “Him? I’d throw him through the window, with my left hand only”

Lawyer: “How about being faithful?”

Women: “That’s where we get him! The second child is not from him.”

They are sitting in the waiting room talking about why they are there.

The first one tells the others, “Well, it’s so sad, I’m here because I bit my owner’s hand. I’m so sorry about it, but still they want me to be euthanized.”

The second one tells a similar story, “Yeah, I feel you, man. I bit my owner’s butt. I tried to apologize, but they wouldn’t listen. I’m also here to be euthanized.”

The third starts telling his story, “Well, it’s a longer story… One day I went up the stairs into my owner’s bathroom. She had just been taking a shower. I usually am not allowed to go there but my curiosity got the best of me. I entered the room and that’s when I saw her, my owner, butt naked, crawling on the floor, wiping up the water from the shower, giving me a perfect view. It was so inviting that I couldn’t hold back. I jumped on her and had the time of my life with her…”

“Aww, that’s so sad. Now she’ll have you euthanized as well, I guess?” said the second dog.

“Naaah,” the third dog said, “I’m just here to have my claws cut.”

A guy dies and ends up in hell. He meets Satan who says, “Don’t worry. We actually have a lot of fun here. Do you like to drink?” The guy says, “I love to drink.” Satan says, “Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, beer, wine, all on the house! And no hangovers, so drink as much as you want. The git says, “that sounds great!”

Satan says, “ Are you a smoker?” The guy says, “uh, yeah”. Satan says, “You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world. And you can’t get cancer because you’re already dead.” The guy is astonished.

Satan says, “I bet you like to gamble.” The guy replies, “well, I did love casinos.” Satan says, “On Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots. And who cares if you lose? You’re dead!”

“And do you do drugs?” The guys is really excited, “of course I do drugs!” Satan says, “Thursday is drug day. You can do all the drugs you want and never get addicted.”

The guy says, “wow I didn’t think hell would be such a great place! What happens on Fridays?”

Satan says, “are you gay?”

The man says, “no.”

Satan says, “oh… you’re not gonna like Fridays then.”