Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.”
“No more headaches?” the husband asks, “What happened?”
His wife replies, “Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat 3 times
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.’
It worked! The headaches are all gone.”
“Well, that is wonderful,” replies the husband.
His wife then says, “You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?”
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, “Boy, that was wonderful!”
The husband says, “Don’t move! I will be right back.”
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She’s not my wife!
She’s not my wife!
She’s not my wife!”

She threw one a little too hard and it came back and hit her in the eye. She ran inside yelling and crying and her parents drove her to the hospital

The doctor tells the family that her eye is going to have to be removed and she’ll need a prosthetic. The family doesn’t have a lot of money and can’t afford a proper glass eye, so instead they get one made of wood.

For the next few years the girl endures every bit of teasing and every joke about her eye that comes her way. She ends up being very shy and lonely.

Then she hears her school is having a dance and she decides to go. She gets dressed up and looking very nice and leaves for the dance.

At the dance she stands off to the side hoping someone might ask her to dance. Eventually she spots a boy her age sitting down across the room. He has a prosthetic leg and seems to be in the same situation she is.

She crosses the room, goes up to him and asks if he wants to dance. He gets so excited, jumps out of his chair and cries “Oh boy would I!”

The girl scowls at him, yells out “peg leg” and walks off

Jesus and Moses are relaxing on a boat and talking about the good old days.

The subject of miracles comes up, and they decide to see if they can still perform them.

“It’s been almost 4000 years since I did this one” Moses says, then raises his arms. The water parts, revealing the floor of the lake.

Jesus claps His hands and says “Good one! It’s only been about 2000 years since I did this” and steps off the boat onto the water, and sinks into the lake.

Moses parts the water and throws a line down to the soaking wet Jesus, and helps Him back onto the boat.

Jesus says “That was embarrassing. I guess I need to clear my mind and focus.” Jesus closes His eyes, takes a deep, slow breath, then steps off the boat again. Again He sinks to the bottom of the lake.

Moses parts the water and helps Jesus up again. Moses says “Hey, maybe we should just head back and You can try again tomorrow” but Jesus says “No, I can do this.” He mouths a silent prayer, winks at the sky, and again sinks when He steps off the boat.

Moses parts the water a third time and helps Jesus up. Jesus looks shaken and looks at His feet, then smiles.

“I know what’s wrong now. Last time I didn’t have these damn holes in my feet.”

A man walks into a bank and says to the the clerk, “I want to open a fucking account in this damn bank.”

The woman, astonished, replies: “I beg your pardon, such language is not tolerated in our bank.”

She then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the clerk shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the man: “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There is no fucking problem” says the man.

“I just won $200 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.”

“Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, Sir?”

During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

He’s unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,

Doesn’t need heating,

But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

Has great packaging.