Daily Joke: Jokes Library

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the  tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to  the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople  were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives,  their families, etc.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the Church.  Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away
from Evil Incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving . . . seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s Ultimate Enemy  was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man  and said, “Don’t you know who I am?” The man replied, “Yup, sure do.” Satan asked, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?” “Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man. Satan was more than a little perturbed at this and queried,  “Why not?”  The man calmly replied,  “Been married to your sister for over 48 years!”

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing.

Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I’d still make jokes, but no one would laugh…

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted.

It turns out, they didn’t find me remotely funny.

In school the lesson was about the word “contagious”.
The teacher asked the class if anyone could use the word contagious in a sentence.
One girl raised her hand and said,  “I had the chicken pox and I couldn’t go outside and  play because it was contagious.”
The teacher replied, “That was good.
Can anyone else use contagious in a sentence?”
One of the boys said, “I couldn’t go over my friend’s house  because he had a cold and my mother said it was contagious.”
The teacher replied, “That’s good. Anyone else?”
Little Johnny said, “Last week when we had the snowstorm,  my father took the snowblower and blew all the snow into  my neighbor’s driveway.”
The teacher was upset and said,  “That was a horrible thing to do. And besides, it has nothing to do with the lesson.”
Johnny spoke up, “Yes it does.  My father came in the house laughing, saying it will take the contagious to shovel herself out.”

Three guys, a Polish guy, a Jewish guy and an Italian guy sign up for the police academy.

The Jewish guy goes in first and the Captain says to him, “We have to ask you one question before we admit you in to the academy, Who killed Jesus?”

The Jewish guy says “The Romans did it.”

The Captain says, “Right, you’re admitted.”

The Italian guy goes in next.

The Captain asks him the same thing. “We have to ask you one question first before you’re admitted to the Police Academy. Who killed Jesus?”

The Italian guy says “The Romans did it.”

The Captain says, “Right, you’re admitted.”

The Polish guy goes in and the Captain repeats the question.

The Polish guy says “Gee, I don’t know.”

The Captain tells him to go home and think about it for a week and come back and tell him.

The Polish guy goes home and his wife asked him how his first day went at the academy, and he says to her, “You won’t believe it! My first day on the job and they assigned me to a murder case!”

Yesterday I came back to my office from Court.
There was a new secretary (a very attractive blonde, of course?) in the office down the hall from me.
She flagged me down and asked for help.
“My floppy drive won’t work, can you help me ?” she asked.
I told her I’d take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5″ floppy drive.
While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the hall trying awfully hard to keep straight faces.
Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.
“Oh, you mean the condom!”, she said.
“Condom???”, I asked.
“Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses.”
By this point, John & Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do to keep from joining them.
The “condom” turned out to be a standard 3.5″ plastic sleeve.
I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played, and she shouldn’t do that anymore, when she asked (as serious as one could be):
“Does that mean I don’t have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either?