Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, “He wouldn’t let me have my half of the road!”

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage.

The police officer asked, “That old lady says that you wouldn’t let her have her half of the road. Why not?”

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, “Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road — if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!”

The Kosher bakeries motzah machine speed controlled drive system was down and the company was losing $5,000 an hour in profits. They placed an emergency call to their maintenance department, but since it was 3:00 am, Sunday morning, the only repair man available was old Morris.

Old Morris had been with maintenance for over 35 years. In fact he was only two years from retirement. He had seen it all and wasn’t impressed by much.

As old Morris pulled up to the guard shack at the plant entrance, he was waved through and greeted by the plant manager himself.

“Thank goodness you’re here,” he said. “How long will it take you to fix it?”

Now Morris had nothing more than the sketchiest description of the problem but he replied without hesitation, “Oh, about fifteen minutes…. so don’t worry .”

“Great!” replied the plant manager, “My men will show you where the drive controls are and get you anything you need.”

After three hours of testing, reading prints, asking questions, the drive system was still not working. The plant manager became increasingly enraged and accosted old Morris, “I thought you said you could fix this thing in FIFTEEN MINUTES!”

“I can and I will,” replied Morris. “As soon as I figure out what the fuck is wrong with it!”

I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was… “In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that, etc. etc.’ It eventually became very annoying.

I am from Niagara Falls and I thought I could outdo him by showing him the “Magnificent Niagara”, knowing there was nothing in Texas that could compare to this “Wonder of Water and Power”.

While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of water rushing over, I noticed the look of awe in his eyes.

It was then I asked him, “Do you have anything like this in Texas?” He waited a moment before he answered, “No, but we have a plumber that could fix it.”

Morris had died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris’ Last Will and Testament.

“To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.

To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the new Jaguar.

To my daughter Shirley, I leave my yacht and $250,000.

And to my brother-in-law Aaron, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill.”

Agency: Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements, sir?

MD: Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyse the situation:

1. If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts department.

2. If they are recounting the bricks, put them in Auditing.

3. If they messed up the whole room with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

4. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

5. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations

6. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

7. If they broke the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

8. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

9. If they say they have tried different combinations yet not a single brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

10. If they have already left for the day, Put them in Marketing.

11. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning. And…

12. If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been touched, Congratulate them and put them in Top Management.