Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but they only have one Euro between them.

Paddy takes the Euro, goes off and buys a Sausage.

Murphy says “R U Mad?” Now we’re skint!” Come on, says Paddy, follow me.

They go into the pub, order two pints and drink them down before they pay.

Paddy shoves the sausage through the zipper in his jeans and tells Murphy, “Get down on your knees and suck it”.

The barman goes berserk and throws them out. 10 Pubs and 10 Pints later Murphy says “I can’t do this anymore, my knees are sore and I’m pissed”.

“How do you think I feel”, says Paddy, “I can’t even remember which Pub I lost the sausage in”!

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little. weight. “Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?” he asked.
“No, Father. Just a little gas.” sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.
“Gaining some weight are we sister Susan?” he asked again. “Oh no, father. Just a little gas.”
She replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.
He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, “Cute little fart.”

Little Johnny went to the first day of kindergarten and sat down. His teacher went around the room and was asking every boy and girl his or her name.

When she got to Johnny he said, “My name is Little Johnny, but they call me ‘Bonnie’ and that pisses me off.”

Sensing some anger she said to Little Johnny, “This is kindergarten Johnny, we don’t talk like that.”

Then she went around and asked everyone his or her address.

When she got back to Little Johnny he said, “I live on Third Street but they call it ‘Turd Street’ and that really pisses me off.”

She said, “Little Johnny I want you to meet me after class at my desk.”

“Yes ma’am.” Little Johnny said. So he meets her at the desk.

The teacher says, “You seem like a smart little boy can you tell me what this means?”

Then she pulls up her dress.

He says, “Of course I can. That means you wanna diddle and I’m too little and that really pisses me off.”

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going
to take up farming.
He heads to the local co-op and tells the man,
“Give me 100 baby chickens.” The co-op man complies.
A week later the man returns and says,
“Give me 200 baby chickens.”
The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns.
This time he says, “Give me 500 baby chickens.”
“Wow!” the co-op man replies.
“You must really be doing well!”
“Naw,” said the man with a sigh.
“I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”

A wife finds a note from her husband on the fridge one morning.

My dear wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you being 57 years old can no longer satisfy am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife .

Therefore after reading this letter I hope that you will not wrongfully interpret the fact that l will be spending the evening with my 19 year old secretary at the comfort inn hotel. Please don’t be upset-l shall be home before midnight. When the man came home late that night he found the following note on the dining table.

My dear husband I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about me being 57 years old I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old As you know am a math teacher at our local college I would like to inform you that while you read this l will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael one of my students who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young virile and like your secretary is 19 years old.  As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math you will understand that we are in the same situation although with one small difference -19 goes into 57 more times than 57 goes into 19.  Therefore will not be home until sometime tomorrow.