Daily Joke: Jokes Library

I think, I’m going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer…

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: “License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!”

Me: “I assure you, I did not drink anything.”

Officer: “Ok, let’s do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?”

Me: “A car.”

Officer:”Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?”

Me:”I have no idea!”

Officer:”So, you’re drunk.”

Me:”But I didn’t drink anything.”

Officer:”Okay, one more test — Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?

Me:”A motorcycle.”

Officer:”Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?”

Me:”I have no idea!”

Officer:”As I suspected, you’re drunk!”

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

Me:”So…, counter question — You’re driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?”

Officer:”A prostitute of course.”

Me:”Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?”

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend…

Two men were golfing, and the fairway of the hole they were playing was adjacent to a road.

The first man was setting up for his swing, when a funeral procession went by on the road.

He stopped, faced the procession for a moment, then bowed his head in prayer as the hearse passed by.

Only when the procession had passed out of view did he resume playing, driving his ball to the green.

As they were walking toward the green, the second man said, “That was a touching show of respect for the the deceased back there. I had no idea you were so sentimental.”

The first man shrugged and said, “It’s the least I could do. I was married to her for thirty years.”

A government social worker was visiting the an reservation for the first time.

A woman was yelling at an old Indian man.

The man looked like he could use some help.

The social worker walked over and broke up the disturbance by pulling the man aside.

“Hey, that lady sure hates you.”

“She no lady. She my wife.”

“You don’t say. What’s her name?”

“Wife name ‘Three Horse’.”

The social worker smiled. “Now that’s a strange name. Three Horse. Yep, that sure is a strange name. How did she get a name like that?”

“Nag nag nag.”

“Don’t be afraid of the dog,” said the lady to Little Johnny, who was delivering her groceries.

“You know the old proverb, ‘A barking dog never bites?'”

“Yes,” replied Little Johnny. “You know the proverb. I know the proverb. But does your dog know the proverb?”

Jones took his nymphomaniac wife to the doctor for treatment. “This is one hot potato of a lady, doctor, ” he said. “Maybe you can do something for her?

She goes for any man and I get very jealous.”

“We’ll see,” the doctor said.

He directed Mrs. Jones into his examining room, closed the door behind him and told her to undress.

Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.

The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to moan and squirm.

It was too much for him to resist, and he climbed up on top of her and began to screw her.

Jones suddenly heard moans and groans coming from the room. Unable to control himself, he pushed open the door, to be confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife banging away.

“Doctor, what are you doing?” he asked.

The flustered doctor said, “Oh, it’s you, Jones?

I’m only taking your wife’s temperature!”

Jones opened his switchblade knife and began to hone it on his sleeve very deliberately.

“Ok Doc,…..” he said, “but when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!!!!”