On the way home they both need the toilet, so decide to stop at a graveyard, but they have nothing to wipe with.

The first takes off her panties and uses them, while the other takes a wreath and uses that.

The next day, one of their husbands calls the other and says:”No more girls nights out. My wife came home with no panties.”

The other husband says:”That’s nothing. Mine came home with a card in her crack that said ‘from all of us at the fire station, we will never forget you. “

When he got there, he asked a cashier, “What aisle are the…”

“…raisins in?” she asked.

“How… how did you know?”

“I am a psychic. I can read minds.”

“Really? Well then, what am I…”

“Thinking now? You’re thinking about what I might look like naked.”

“Yes, I am.”

“And now you’re emboldened by the fact that I’m not acting disgusted, so now you think you have a chance to sleep with me.”

“Also true.”

“And now you have realized the futility of trying to front or flirt, since I know exactly what you’re thinking, no matter how you act or what you say.”

“I am helpless… truly, before you.”

“Then why do you smirk so confidently?”

“Because you don’t actually know where the fucking raisins are, do you…”

A woman marries the man of her dreams, but on their wedding night he will only consummate the marriage under the sheets with the lights off.

The woman thinks this is a bit strange, but she figures he’s just shy about his first time and doesn’t read too much into it.

Over the next 30 years, the couple builds a life together.  They buy a house, get a dog, and have three amazing children, but the woman has just one problem.

Her husband will still only have s3x with her if they’re under the sheets with the lights off.

One night, the woman has had enough and decides to get to the bottom of things.

She hides a flashlight under her pillow, and just as things are heating up she throws back the sheets and shines the light at their bodies.

She is amazed to discover that her husband has an incredibly tiny p3n!s, and is wearing a very realistic strap-on over it.

The woman feels betrayed and starts screaming at her husband, asking him how he could lie to her for 30 years and telling him she feels like a fool for believing him all this time.

When her husband finally gets a chance to speak, he responds:”I’ll explain the toy if you explain the kids.”

He says, “Doc, I want to be castrated. ”

Doc says, “Look, I don’t know what kind of cult you’re into or what your motives are, but I’m not going to do that sort of operation. ”

John: “Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I’m a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it?”

Doc says, “Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don’t understand it, but OK.”

He puts John to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the bedside when John wakes up.

“Well, Doc, how’d it go? ” John asks.

“It went fine, just fine. It’s really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think, it’s really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don’t mind my… ” “CIRCUMCISED! ” yells John.

“THAT’S the word!!! “

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car.

The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?”

Charlie replied, “Driving to Chicago!”

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, “Well Charlie, how are you doing?”

Charlie says, “I just got into Chicago”.

“Great,” replied the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously wanking.

Shocked, she asks, “Bob, what are you doing?!”

Bob says, “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!”