02/17/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15703
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”
The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom.
After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant.
After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility.
He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars.
The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”
02/16/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15698
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black pant!es?”
She replied “My br3@sts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.”
He knew he was not going to get lucky that night.
The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black pant!es and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked, “What’s with the black condom?”
He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.
02/15/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15695
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.
A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole,” said Sven, “but we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.
Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, “Twenty one feet, six inches,” and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, “Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”
02/14/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15692
A man dies and goes to hell.
Because all the other torture chambers are full, the devil puts him to hard labor.
A few hours pass, and the devil returns to see how the torture is going.
But the man is smiling and hardly working a sweat.
“Why haven’t you given up yet? It’s been at least 6 hours.” The devil asks him.
“No, yeah, I was a farmer in Michigan while I was alive. This work isn’t as bad as baling hay all day.” He answers.
The devil is still a little confused, so he turns up the heat in the chamber to 100 degrees for good measure.
A few hours later, he returns hoping to see the man panting on the ground.
But he still stands, working away like before the heat.
“No one could work in this temperature. How do you do it?” The Devil asks.
The farmer responds, “I told you, I’m from Michigan. The summers up there are way worse than this.”
Then it dawns on the devil, Michigan is warm. He rushes to turn the temperature down as far as Hell can go.
The devil leaves to ask about Michigan’s weather, determined to wear this man down until other chambers open up.
After an hour, the devil returns to see the farmer dancing about, despite it being below freezing in his chamber.
“I asked around,” The devil says, “so I know that freezing is normal for you Michiganders. But what are you so happy about?”
The farmer takes one second to shout “If it’s a cold night in Hell, then the Lions must have won the Super Bowl!” before continuing his victory dance.
02/13/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15689
He had a fee of $50, no matter what ailment.
If he failed in finding a cure, he would give $500 to the patient.
One day, a man came to him and said, “Doctor, my sense of taste is deteriorating.”
The doctor gave him a jar and said, “Have a spoonful of this.”
The man tries some, spits it out, and says, “This is shaving foam! Why would you give this to a patient?!”
The doctor said, “Well, it seems your sense of taste is just fine. That’ll be $50.”
Two weeks later, the same man went to the doctor and said, “Doctor, I think I have Alzheimer’s.”
On hearing this, the doctor gave him a jar and said, “Have a spoonful of this.”
The man got annoyed and asked, “Wait, isn’t this shaving foam?”
The doctor said, “It seems you can remember things just fine. That’ll be $50.”
Two months later, the man once again went to the doctor and said, “Doctor, you must help me. I lost my eyesight.”
The doctor said, “Oh dear, I’m afraid I don’t have a cure for that. Here’s $500.”
The man was overjoyed on finally outsmarting the doctor. But when he saw the money, he blurted out, “Isn’t this $5?!”
The doctor remarked, “It seems you can see just fine. That’ll be $50.”