Daily Joke: Jokes Library

I was at the supermarket the other day, buying dog food.

As I was standing in line for the cash register, there was a lady behind me asking me if I had a dog (beacuse why else would I be buying dog food, right?!)

Anyway, my inner demon woke up, so I told the lady that I don’t have a dog, but that I was planning going on the “Happy Dog” diet.

Also, I explained to her that I was having some second thoughts about it, because the last time I had done it, I woke up in a hosiptal, but that I was considering it anyway, as I had lost over 40 pounds before i woke up in the ICU, with all kinds of tubes sticking out me.

I then explained to her how it works: you fill your pockets with dog food, and every time you feel hungry, you take out a few pieces and eat them.

They have high nutritional value, and they don’t taste too bad (the whole line is listening carefully by now).

The lady is looking at me wide-eyed and asks if I ended up in the hospital as a result of poisoning.

I say no, I sniffed out a poodle in heat, and as I was running across the street, i got hit by a car.

I thought the young guy in the line was going to have a coronary, he laughed so hard.

Three nuns were talking.

The first nun said “I was cleaning in the fathers room the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines.”

“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.

“Well, of course I threw them in the trash.”

The second nun said, “Well I can top that. I was in the fathers room putting away the laundry, and I found a bunch of condoms!”

“Oh my!” gasped the other nuns.

“What did you do?”

“I poked holes in all of them!”

The third nun fainted.

A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin.

The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well.

Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funeral the lawyer asked what the priest whispered.

The priest — with tears in his eyes — said that he had to confess he spent some of the money on an orphanage so that some hungry kids would not starve and that he feels bad for what he had done, but that he had no choice.

The doctor then admits that he too had to let him know that one of his patients needed a surgery that he alone could not do, that he spent some of the money to save the person’s life.

The lawyer looks at them with scorn and says, “how could you? You have betrayed a man’s last and dying request!”

The doctor and priest look at the lawyer and asks, “so your bag had all the money he entrusted you with?”

To which he replies, “damn right, I wrote the check for the full amount, not a penny less!”

A widowed Jewish woman, mid 50′s, went to a Tel Aviv beach for the first time since her husband passed.

She was still attractive and looked good in her bathing suit.

On the same beach was an attractive man, mid 50’s, getting some sun and reading a book.

She put her blanket down next to his and began a conversation.“Whatcha reading”

“A book”. Not much of an answer, she thought to herself.

She pursued, “My husband passed several months ago and this is the first time I’ve been to this beach since then.”

“I’m a widower too and my wife passed several months ago also.”

He continued reading his book, seemingly not in the mood for further conversation.

Frustrated, she asked, “Do you like pussyc@ts?”

With that, the man put down his book, joined the lady on her blanket, took of his trunks, ripped off her bathing suit and the two went at it, right there.

Out of breath, the lady asked, “How did you know that’s what I wanted?”

The man responded, “How did you know my name is Katz?”