Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A kid from Louisiana moves to California and is looking for a job.

The manager asks, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Louisiana.”

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.

“You start tomorrow. After we close we’ll see how you did.”

First day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store closed, the boss asked, “How many sales today?”

The kid says, “One.”

The boss says, “One? We average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”

Kid says, “$101,237.64.”

Boss says, “$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?”

Kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then a medium fish hook. Then, a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.I asked him where he was going fishing and he said “at the coast”, so I told him he was gonna need a boat.

We went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine. He said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?”

Kid says, “No sir, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, ‘Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing”.

During 1st week of marriage they found they are unable to communicate in bedroom with the lights out as they can’t see each other signing and lipsing.

After several nights of fumbling and misunderstanding they finally came up with a solution.

The wife said, ” Why don’t we agree on simple signs for instance if you want to have  s3x with me squeeze my left br3@st once.

If you don’t want to have s3x squeeze my right br3@st once.

The husband said ok, then asked her if she want to have s3x pull his mickey once and if she doesn’t want to have s3x,pull his mickey two hundred and fifty times.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer…. for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?

What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?’

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

Yes,’ he informed the couple, ‘You can get married in Heaven.’ ‘Great!’ said the couple.

‘But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.

‘OH, COME ON!!!’ St. Peter shouted. ‘It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist! He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.”

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I’ll be darned if I didn’t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.”

“Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.”

“When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off.”

“Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone is still ringing – when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.”

“The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife — she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. “Well, Mister, I told her!”

So naturally, they decide it would be fun to swap partners.

The alien woman goes off with the human man and the alien man goes off with the human woman.

The alien man and human woman get undressed and he asks her, “Is it long enough?”

She replies, “It could be a bit longer I suppose.”

So the alien man slaps himself on the forehead a few times and it grows longer!

Then he asks her, “Is it wide enough?” and again she says. “I guess it could be just a bit wider.”

So he starts tugging at his own ears and it gets a bit wider.​

An hour or so later the human couple get together to discuss.

The man asks the woman, “So how was your experience with the alien man?

Be honest!” She says “Honestly? No offense to you, but that was the single greatest sexual experience of my life.

What about you and the alien woman?”

The man replies, “Don’t get me wrong, it was good and all but she kept slapping me in the head and pulling at my ears really hard.”