Daily Joke: Jokes Library

George raises his beer mug in the air and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!”

The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, “Best Toast of the Month”.

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. “And what exactly was your award-winning toast?” she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife.”

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down the street when she runs into Ted, one of George’s drinking buddies.

“Your husband sure gave an awesome toast last night!” says Ted.

“I know!” replies Linda, “and he told me about it! It kind of surprised me because almost every time he goes down there, he falls asleep.A few weeks ago I had to pull him by the ear to get him to come.”

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They’re appalled by his haircut, tattoos and piercings.

The boy leaves and the girl’s mom remarks, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, come on Mom! If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 300 hours of community service?”

A French spy, a German spy and an Italian spy all get captured.

All three spies are thrown into a cell.

The captors later come into the cell, grab the French spy and drag him into another room.

They tie his hands to a chair and torture him for two hours before he tells them everything they wanted to know.

The captors throw the French spy back into his cell before taking the German spy into the torture room.

They tie his hands to a chair and torture him for four hours before he tells them all of the secrets they wanted to know.

The captors throw the German spy back into his cell before dragging the Italian spy into the torture room.

The captors tie the Italian spy’s hands to the chair and begin torturing him.

After four hours, the Italian spy has told captors nothing.

4 hours go by and the Italian spy isn’t talking. Then 8 hours, still nothing.

16 hours pass, and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell.

The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to endure all that torture and not talk.

The Italian spy says “I wanted to talk but I couldn’t move my hands!”

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, “What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it.”

And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

“They’re not hanging Wright tonight,” she said.

He whirled around and screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!”