Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A depressed man walks into a bar. He approaches the bartender and says, “I’ll have six double brandy.”

The bartender replies, “You must’ve had a really tough day!”

“Yeah, I found out that my dad is gay”, the man replies.

The following day, the man returns to the bar looking much sadder than before, ordering another six double brandy.

“Why did you come back so soon?” asks the bartender.

The man, in response, dejectedly said to him, “I found out that my son is also gay.”

The third day comes, and the man returns looking glum as ever, again ordering six double brandy.

The bartender exclaimed, “Wow! Doesn’t anyone in your family like women?”

“Yeah, my wife…”

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a plate of bamboo. When he’s finished with his meal, he hops up onto the table, pulls out two Glock 45s and unloads both magazines, blasting everything in sight.

When the guns are empty, he throws them down and starts walking towards the door. The bartender looks up from behind the bar and yells, “Hey! What the hell, man?”

The panda yells back at the bartender, “Hey, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!”

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:” A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian orgin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats bamboo shoots and leaves.”

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the children what kind of meat it is,

but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The dad said, “Well, it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes.”

The little girl screamed to her brother, “Don’t eat it. Its an a$$h0le!”

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

“What’s that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?” Little Johnny asked.

“That’s his trunk, honey,” Mom replied.

“No, that other thing,” Johnny insisted.

“Oh, you must be looking at his tail,” Mom offered.

“No, Mommy, that big thing underneath him, by his belly,” Johnny said. Realizing her son was asking about the elephant’s p3nis, Mom got embarassed.

“Oh, that’s nothing, sweetie. Daddy went to get some popcorn. When he comes back, he can tell you all about the elephants.”

Soon, Dad came back with popcorn, and Mom went to use the restroom. Johnny took the opportunity to question his father. “What’s that big thing hanging off the elephant, Daddy?”

“That’s his trunk, son,” Dad said.

“No, Daddy, not his trunk, and not his tail. I mean that big thing underneath, by his belly,” Johnny repeated.

“Oh, that,” Dad said. “That’s his p3nis, Johnny.”

“Huh,” mused the five year old. “Mommy said that was nothing.”

“Son,” sighed Dad, “I’ve spoiled that woman.”

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet..”

How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”