Daily Joke: Jokes Library

After two decades in practice, a successful gynecologist had grown tired of malpractice insurance and endless HMO paperwork. Feeling burned out, he decided it was time for a complete career change—even though medicine was all he had ever known.

Thinking his steady hands might serve him well elsewhere, he chose to retrain as a mechanic, a job he’d always believed he’d be good at. He enrolled in evening classes at a local technical college, attended faithfully, and soaked up everything he could learn.

When the practical exam arrived, he prepared for weeks and completed it with impressive skill. When the results were posted, he was stunned to see he’d scored 150%. Certain there had been a mistake, he called his instructor.

“I’m grateful,” he said, “but I think there must be an error in my grade.”

The instructor replied, “You earned 50% for taking the engine apart perfectly, and another 50% for putting it back together perfectly.”

Then, after a brief pause, he added, “I gave you the extra 50% because you did the entire job through the muffler—which I’ve never seen anyone do in my whole career.”

One day, an out-of-work mime tries to make a little cash by performing outside a zoo. As a crowd starts to gather, a zookeeper rushes over, grabs him, and drags him into the office.

The zookeeper explains that the zoo’s star attraction—a gorilla—has suddenly died, and he’s worried attendance will drop. He offers the mime a temporary job: put on a gorilla suit and fill in until they get a replacement. Desperate for work, the mime agrees.

The next morning, the mime suits up and enters the gorilla enclosure. It turns out to be the best job he’s ever had. He sleeps, plays around, mocks visitors, and draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a street performer.

After a while, though, the audience loses interest. Bored of swinging on tires, the mime notices the lion in the next cage getting more attention. Not wanting to be outshone, he climbs to the top of his enclosure, crawls over the divider, and hangs above the lion’s cage. The lion roars in rage—but the crowd loves it.

That evening, the zookeeper gives the “gorilla” a raise. This continues for weeks: bigger crowds, bigger paychecks, and nonstop taunting of the lion.

Then one day, disaster strikes. While dangling over the lion, the mime slips and falls into the cage. Terrified, he runs in circles as the lion prepares to attack. Panicking, the mime starts screaming, “HELP! HELP ME!”

The lion leaps, pins him to the ground, leans in close, and whispers:

“Shut up, you idiot. Do you want us both fired?”

The FBI announced an opening for a professional assassin.

After extensive background checks, interviews, and testing, they narrowed the candidates down to three. Each man passed every stage with top marks. For the final test, an agent brought the first man to a heavy steel door and handed him a gun.

He said, We need to know you’ll follow orders no matter the situation. Inside this room, your wife is seated. Your task is to kill her.

The man replied, You can’t be serious. I could never harm my wife.

The agent dismissed him. Then you’re not suited for this job. Take your wife and go home.

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and stepped inside. Five silent minutes passed before he returned, eyes full of tears. I tried, but I can’t do it.

The agent said, You’re not the man we need. Go home.

Finally, the last candidate received the same briefing. He took the gun, went into the room, and immediately a series of shots rang out. Then came shouting, thuds, and the sound of furniture crashing.

After a few minutes, silence. The door opened, and the man walked out, wiping sweat from his forehead. Someone loaded the gun with blanks, he said, out of breath. I had to finish the job the hard way.

A DEA agent stops by a ranch in Texas and strikes up a conversation with an old rancher. From the moment he arrives, his attitude is terrible—clearly irritated that he has to trek through the mud in his polished boots. He tells the rancher, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegal drugs.”

The rancher replies, “Go ahead, search all you like—just stay out of that field over there.”

The DEA agent, now visibly offended, snaps back, “Sir, I represent the Federal Government.” He pulls a badge from his back pocket and holds it inches from the rancher’s face.

“See this badge? This badge means I can go anywhere I want, on any property, without questions or permission. Is that clear? Do you understand?” he bellows.

The rancher quietly nods, apologizes, and returns to his work.

A little while later, the rancher hears frantic screaming. He looks up to see the DEA agent sprinting across the ranch, being chased by the rancher’s massive Santa Gertrudis bull. The bull is closing in fast with every stride.

The rancher drops his tools, rushes to the fence, and shouts:

“Your badge! Show him your BADGE!”

After two decades of marriage, a wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday. She figures there’s no harm since she’ll be right there with him.

As they walk in, the doorman greets them with, “Hey, Dave! How’re you doing?”
His wife frowns and asks whether he’s been to the club before.
“Of course not,” Dave replies. “He’s just a guy from my bowling team.”

Once they sit down, a waitress approaches and asks Dave if he wants “the usual,” then sets a glass of red wine in front of him.
His wife stiffens. “And how does she know what you drink?”
Dave quickly answers, “She bowls in the Ladies League. Our teams share lanes.”

Moments later, a stripper walks over, wraps her arms around Dave, and says, “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”
That’s the last straw. His wife snatches up her purse and storms outside.

Dave runs after her and catches her as she’s getting into a cab. He hops in beside her before she can shut the door.

He frantically tries to explain that the dancer must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife refuses to listen. She’s shouting every insult she can think of.

Finally, the cab driver glances back and says, “Rough night, huh, Dave? Looks like you picked up a real witch this time.”