Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man calls a company and signs up for their 5-day, 5-pound weight-loss program.

The very next morning, there’s a knock at his door. Standing outside is a fit, curvy 19-year-old woman wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as the company representative. The sign reads: “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

He doesn’t hesitate. He takes off running after her. A few miles later, completely winded, he gives up. The same thing happens for the next four days. On day five, he steps on the scale and is thrilled to see he’s lost 5 pounds—right on target.

Impressed, he calls back and orders the 5-day, 10-pound program.

The next morning, another knock. This time it’s the most stunning, breathtaking woman he’s ever seen, again wearing only running shoes and a sign that says, “If you catch me, you can have me.”

He chases her every day for five days, pushing himself harder each time. By the end of the program, he’s in great shape—and down another 10 pounds, just as promised.

Feeling unstoppable, he calls the company again and orders their 7-day, 25-pound program.

The representative hesitates. “Are you sure? This is our toughest plan.”

“Absolutely,” he says. “I’ve never felt better.”

The next morning, there’s a knock at the door.

He opens it to find a massive, muscular man wearing pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:

“If I catch you, you’re mine.”

A doctor was speaking to a packed audience in Oxford about modern nutrition.

“The junk we put into our bodies should have wiped most of us out years ago,” he said. “Red meat is pumped with additives and coloring. Soft drinks eat away at the stomach lining. Chinese food is full of MSG. Diets high in trans fats are extremely harmful, and we barely consider the long-term damage caused by bacteria in our drinking water.”

He paused, then added, “But there is one food that is more dangerous than all the rest—something most of us have eaten or will eat. Can anyone tell me which food causes the most pain and suffering years after it’s consumed?”

After a moment of silence, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and quietly replied:

“Wedding cake?”

On the edge of a small town stood a large, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One afternoon, two boys gathered a bucket full of pecans and sat beneath the tree, hidden from view, dividing up their harvest.

“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” one boy counted aloud. A few nuts slipped from their hands and rolled down toward the fence.

Just then, another boy rode past on his bicycle. As he passed the cemetery, he thought he heard voices coming from inside. Curious, he slowed down—and sure enough, he heard:

“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me…”

Certain he knew what was happening, he jumped back on his bike and pedaled off. Just around the bend, he ran into an old man walking slowly with a cane.

“Come quick!” the boy said. “You won’t believe this—the Lord and the Devil are in the cemetery dividing up souls!”

The old man grumbled, “Get along, kid. Can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk?”

But the boy insisted, and finally the man hobbled back with him.

Standing by the fence, they listened.

“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

The old man whispered, “Son, you weren’t lying. Let’s see if we can catch a glimpse of the Lord.”

Shaking with fear, they peered through the iron fence but couldn’t see anyone. They gripped the cold bars tighter, straining to see.

Then they heard the final words:

“One for you, one for me. That’s it. Now let’s grab the ones by the fence and be done.”

The old man didn’t hesitate—he took off for the gate, beating the boy by a mile.

A man is cruising along a lonely highway when a roadside sign catches his eye:

SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He shakes it off, assuming he imagined it, and keeps driving. A few minutes later, another sign appears:

SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Now intrigued, he continues on until a third sign confirms it:

SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

Curiosity wins. He turns in and parks in front of a grim stone building. Beside the door is a modest sign with the same name. He climbs the steps and rings the bell.

The door opens to a nun in a long black habit.
“What may we do for you, my son?” she asks.

“I saw the signs along the highway,” he replies, “and I was interested in doing business.”

“Very well, my son. Please follow me.”

She leads him through a maze of twisting corridors until he’s completely disoriented. Finally, she stops at a closed door.

“Please knock,” she says.

He does, and another nun answers, also in a long habit, holding a tin cup.

“Please place fifty dollars in the cup,” the nun instructs, “then proceed through the large wooden door at the end of the hall.”

He drops the money into the cup and eagerly heads down the hallway. He slips through the door and pulls it shut behind him.

The door locks.

Suddenly, he’s back outside in the parking lot, staring at a small sign that reads:

GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. NORTON

A police officer was walking his beat when he noticed a trail of $50 bills leading into a narrow alley. Curious, he followed it and found an elderly woman dragging two rubbish bags, one of them leaking money as it scraped along the ground.

He stopped her and said, “Excuse me, ma’am, but one of your bags has a hole in it.”

She thanked him warmly. Still puzzled, the officer asked, “If you don’t mind me asking, where did all this money come from?”

“Well, officer,” she replied, “I live at the end of the street, right next to a very popular bar. I don’t mind the noise, but every night drunk men relieve themselves all over my garden.”

She shook her head and continued, “So last night I waited there with my pruning shears. Whenever someone pulled it out, I said, ‘Fifty dollars, or I cut it off.’”

The officer laughed, amused by the image, and waved her on. As she turned to leave, he joked, “So is the second bag full of money too?”

She smiled and said, “Not everyone chooses to pay.”