Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A doctor was speaking to a packed audience in Oxford about modern nutrition.

“The junk we put into our bodies should have wiped most of us out years ago,” he said. “Red meat is pumped with additives and coloring. Soft drinks eat away at the stomach lining. Chinese food is full of MSG. Diets high in trans fats are extremely harmful, and we barely consider the long-term damage caused by bacteria in our drinking water.”

He paused, then added, “But there is one food that is more dangerous than all the rest—something most of us have eaten or will eat. Can anyone tell me which food causes the most pain and suffering years after it’s consumed?”

After a moment of silence, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and quietly replied:

“Wedding cake?”

On the edge of a small town stood a large, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One afternoon, two boys gathered a bucket full of pecans and sat beneath the tree, hidden from view, dividing up their harvest.

“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” one boy counted aloud. A few nuts slipped from their hands and rolled down toward the fence.

Just then, another boy rode past on his bicycle. As he passed the cemetery, he thought he heard voices coming from inside. Curious, he slowed down—and sure enough, he heard:

“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me…”

Certain he knew what was happening, he jumped back on his bike and pedaled off. Just around the bend, he ran into an old man walking slowly with a cane.

“Come quick!” the boy said. “You won’t believe this—the Lord and the Devil are in the cemetery dividing up souls!”

The old man grumbled, “Get along, kid. Can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk?”

But the boy insisted, and finally the man hobbled back with him.

Standing by the fence, they listened.

“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

The old man whispered, “Son, you weren’t lying. Let’s see if we can catch a glimpse of the Lord.”

Shaking with fear, they peered through the iron fence but couldn’t see anyone. They gripped the cold bars tighter, straining to see.

Then they heard the final words:

“One for you, one for me. That’s it. Now let’s grab the ones by the fence and be done.”

The old man didn’t hesitate—he took off for the gate, beating the boy by a mile.

A man is cruising along a lonely highway when a roadside sign catches his eye:

SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He shakes it off, assuming he imagined it, and keeps driving. A few minutes later, another sign appears:

SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Now intrigued, he continues on until a third sign confirms it:

SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

Curiosity wins. He turns in and parks in front of a grim stone building. Beside the door is a modest sign with the same name. He climbs the steps and rings the bell.

The door opens to a nun in a long black habit.
“What may we do for you, my son?” she asks.

“I saw the signs along the highway,” he replies, “and I was interested in doing business.”

“Very well, my son. Please follow me.”

She leads him through a maze of twisting corridors until he’s completely disoriented. Finally, she stops at a closed door.

“Please knock,” she says.

He does, and another nun answers, also in a long habit, holding a tin cup.

“Please place fifty dollars in the cup,” the nun instructs, “then proceed through the large wooden door at the end of the hall.”

He drops the money into the cup and eagerly heads down the hallway. He slips through the door and pulls it shut behind him.

The door locks.

Suddenly, he’s back outside in the parking lot, staring at a small sign that reads:

GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. NORTON

A police officer was walking his beat when he noticed a trail of $50 bills leading into a narrow alley. Curious, he followed it and found an elderly woman dragging two rubbish bags, one of them leaking money as it scraped along the ground.

He stopped her and said, “Excuse me, ma’am, but one of your bags has a hole in it.”

She thanked him warmly. Still puzzled, the officer asked, “If you don’t mind me asking, where did all this money come from?”

“Well, officer,” she replied, “I live at the end of the street, right next to a very popular bar. I don’t mind the noise, but every night drunk men relieve themselves all over my garden.”

She shook her head and continued, “So last night I waited there with my pruning shears. Whenever someone pulled it out, I said, ‘Fifty dollars, or I cut it off.’”

The officer laughed, amused by the image, and waved her on. As she turned to leave, he joked, “So is the second bag full of money too?”

She smiled and said, “Not everyone chooses to pay.”

Three women die and arrive at the gates of heaven. St. Peter greets them and explains the only rule:

“Whatever you do, don’t step on the ducks.”

They enter and quickly realize heaven is absolutely covered in ducks. Despite being careful, the first woman eventually slips and steps on one.

Instantly, St. Peter appears with the ugliest man she’s ever seen. He chains them together and says, “The punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this man.”

The next day, the second woman also accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter shows up again, this time with another painfully ugly man, and chains them together with the same warning.

Watching all this, the third woman becomes extremely cautious. She carefully avoids every duck and manages to go months without a single mistake.

Then one day, St. Peter approaches her with the most handsome man she has ever seen. Without explanation, he chains them together and walks away.

Delighted, the woman turns to the man and asks, “I have no idea what I did to deserve this.”

The man sighs and replies, “I’m not sure about you… but I stepped on a duck.”