Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said,

“My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”

The teacher said,

“That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”

Sally raised her hand. She said,

“My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said,

“Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,”

so she called on him.

Johnny said,

“My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t!ts are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

“Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night, thought you might like to come. About 5:00.”

“Great”, says Tom, “after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”

As Lars is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn you … be some drinkin.”

“Not a problem” says Tom. “After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.”

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”

“Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right. I’ll be there, thanks again.”

“More’n likely be some wild s3x, too.”

“Now that’s really not a problem,” says Tom, warming to the idea.

“I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?”

“Don’t much matter … just gonna be the two of us.”

Three women have just entered heaven, and are standing in front of an angel and St. Peter to find out what kinds of special privileges they’ll have while there. He says to the women, “I only have one question. Have you lived a chaste life?”

The first woman answers “I have only had sex with one man, my husband. And our first time was on our wedding night.” St. Peter turns to the angel and says “Ah, a woman who has lived as God intended, and certainly deserving of reward. Give her a key to the golden room.”

The second woman says, “I have never known a man’s touch. I was a nun, and stayed in the sisterhood since I was only a young lass.” St. Peter turned to the angel and said “Truly exceptional, a woman who has gone above and beyond in service of God. Give her a key to the platinum room!”

The third woman says “I fvcked 239 dudes: 67 before I met my husband, 35 while we were dating, 12 while we were engaged, 78 while we were married and 46 after he died.” St. Peter stood stunned for a second, then leaned over to the angel and whispered, “Give her a key to my room.”

There was this old man from Texas who decided to do a little travelling and when he got as far north as Kansas City he was feeling pretty horny so decided to stay awhile:

That evening he hailed a cab and asked the cabbie about houses of ill repute,

So the cabbie took him to one that he knew well.

After choosing a suitable looking gal they went upstairs and on the way, the girl commented on how tall the man was.

The old man said everything from Texas was big.

After getting undressed and the girl had taken a good look she said I can see what you mean about everything from Texas being big.

“Yes ma’am.” Said the man.

“I mean everything.”

After they had finished their business and were getting dressed the old man asked.

“By the way ma’am, what part of Texas are you from?”

Two old men were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.

The judge said, “You seem like nice men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug  use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”

Monday, the two oldies were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, “How did you do over the weekend?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”

“17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”

“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this… o O

And told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.”

“That’s admirable,” said the judge.

“And you, how did you do?”, he asked the second old boy,

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”

“156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?”,

“Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) O o

I said (pointing to the small circle) “this is your a$shole before prison, …”