Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A cheating husband decided to write this letter to his wife:

“You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54-year-old, can no longer satisfy.

I’m very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn.

Please don’t be upset, I shall be back before midnight.”

When the man came home late that night, he found a reply to his letter on the dining room table:

“My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.

I would like to inform you that, while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also an assistant tennis coach.

He is young, virile and, like your secretary, he is 18.

You, being a successful businessman with excellent knowledge of math, will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference — 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18!

Paddy is on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire ” and he is doing rather well.

He is at the final question for a million pounds with Chris Tarrant (The UK host), he has only one lifeline left….phone a friend.

The question comes:
“Which bird does not make a nest?:

A) a Sparrow, B) a Swallow, C) a Blackbird or D) a Cuckoo

Paddy doesn’t know so he calls his friend Murphy.

Murphy answers ‘be jesus Paddy, it’s a cuckoo 100%.’ – Paddy wins the million pounds and is very happy.

Afterwards, Paddy rings Murphy and asks him ‘How the f*ck did you know that?

Murphy replies ‘

Well, Paddy yer thick git…it lives in a f*cking clock…’

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for her birthday.

As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision.

After careful consideration, he decided the perfect gift would be a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves.

His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time.

The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up.

The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.

The young man mailed his birthday gift with the following note:

This special birthday gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.

If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.

These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, the other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I’ll be kissing them in the future. I hope you’ll wear them Friday night for me.

Love, Honey Bear
p.s. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.

A young boy is pulling his wagon up a hill when one of the back wheels falls off and rolls down the hill.

The young boy says: “I’ll be darned.”

A local pastor heard him and said:

You should not say that.

Next time your wheel falls off say:

‘Praise the Lord.’”

So the next day the young boy is pulling his wagon up the hill and the wheel falls off and rolls down the hill.

The young boy says:

“Praise the Lord.”

The wheel stops rolling, turns around, roIIs back up the hill and puts itself back on the wagon.

The young boy being very surprised by this exclaims:

“I’ll be darned!”

The elderly lady is in the Supermarket and starts throwing the frozen veggies on the floor,

so the Manager asks if he can help.

” I’m looking for Broccoli ” informed that they are out of stock she leaves.

Within an hour she’s back throwing the frozen veggies onto the floor,

The irate Manager asks again If he can help

” I’m looking for Broccoli “

Once again he informs her they are out of stock.

15 min before closing, she comes stalking straight to the Frozen veggies, as she is about to start throwing them out,

The very irritated Manager asks can I help

” I’m looking for Broccoli “

The Manager asks Madam can you spell Dog in Dogmore,

She says yes ” DOG”

“very good, can you spell Cat in Catsdelight”,

She says “CAT”

“very good, now can you spell F*CK in Broccoli”,

She says ” there’s no f*ck in Broccoli “

Madam, I’ve been trying to tell you that all day!!!