Daily Joke: Jokes Library

After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous actress Scarlett Johansson washes ashore on a deserted island. Hours go by before one other survivor appears. A random man from the ship is the only other person to make it.

They didn’t know each other before the shipwreck. However, he definitely knew who she was.

At first, surviving is difficult. Food is scarce, and shelter is basic. Over time, though, the man learns how to fish, build shelter, and collect fresh water. Slowly, life improves.

Eventually, he builds a solid cabin. He even creates a working water system and a few clever comforts to make daily life easier. Because of this, the two grow close.

They take care of each other. As months pass, feelings develop. After all, there is no one else on the island.

One night, passion takes over, and they become a couple. From that point on, they live together with a surprisingly active love life.

Then something changes.

The man grows distant. He seems distracted. Clearly, something is bothering him.

“What’s wrong?” Scarlett asks.

“Nothing,” he replies, every time.

Finally, she insists. She tells him she truly cares and will do anything to make him happy again.

“Anything?” he asks.

“Yes. Anything.”

First, he asks her to change clothes. She puts on work jeans and a loose shirt that washed ashore. Then he asks her to flatten her chest, tuck her hair under a hat, and even draw on a beard and moustache with soot.

Confused but determined, she agrees.

Next, he hands her sunglasses.

“Now walk down the beach,” he says. “I’ll catch up.”

As she walks, she doubts herself. Maybe she’s done something wrong. Maybe it’s not her at all.

Suddenly, the man runs up, grabs her shoulder, spins her around, and says:

“Mate, you won’t believe who I’ve been sleeping with for the past six months.”

Four brothers left home for college and went on to become very successful—doctors and lawyers who prospered greatly. Years later, after sharing dinner together, they began talking about the gifts they had given their elderly mother, who lived alone in another city.

The first brother said, “I had a large house built just for Mum.”

The second added, “I installed a home theatre in her house—worth over a hundred thousand dollars.”

The third said proudly, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a brand-new SL600.”

The fourth smiled and said, “You know how Mum loves the Bible, but her eyesight is failing and she can’t read anymore. I met a preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers twelve years to teach him. I had to donate $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Now Mum just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”

The other brothers were amazed.

After the holidays, their mother sent thank-you notes.

To the first she wrote, “Milton, the house you built is enormous. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the whole place. Still, thank you.”

To the second: “Marvin, I’m too old to travel. I stay at home and have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was kind—thank you.”

To the third: “Michael, the theatre you gave me is very expensive and holds fifty people, but all my friends have passed on, I can hardly hear, and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it, but thank you for the gesture.”

And to the fourth she wrote, “Dearest Melvin, you were the only son with enough sense to choose the perfect gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.”

An elderly man in Oklahoma rings his son in New York and says, “I hate to spoil your day, son, but I need to tell you that your mother and I are getting divorced. After 45 years of marriage, we’ve had enough misery.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son shouts.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other anymore,” his father replies. “We’re fed up, and I’m tired of explaining it. You call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her.”

Panicked, the son phones his sister. She immediately erupts. “Absolutely not! They are not getting divorced. I’ll sort this out.”

She calls her elderly father straight away and yells, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t you dare do anything!”

The old man hangs up and turns to his wife. “Well,” he says, “that’s it sorted. They’re both coming for Christmas—and paying their own airfare.”

A travel agent glanced up from his desk and noticed an elderly lady and gentleman standing outside his shop window, gazing at the posters of glamorous destinations from around the world.

He’d been having a great week, and seeing the rather downcast couple stirred an unexpected wave of generosity.

Calling them inside, he said,
“I know that living on a pension, a holiday like this would normally be out of reach. So I’m sending you to a fabulous resort—on me—and I won’t take no for an answer.”

He ushered them in, instructed his secretary to issue two plane tickets, and booked them into a five-star hotel.

Naturally, they accepted with delight and soon set off on their adventure.

About a month later, the little old lady returned to the shop.

“And how was your holiday?” the agent asked eagerly.

“The flight was thrilling, and the room was beautiful,” she replied.
“I just came to thank you—but there’s one thing that puzzled me…”

“Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?”

A blonde wanders into an empty bar on New Year’s Eve and asks the bartender if she can use his phone to wish her family back in St. Louis a happy New Year.

“Well,” the bartender says, “rates are pretty steep on New Year’s. I’ll need a couple of dollars.”

“Oh no,” she sighs. “I don’t have a penny. This is my first holiday away from my family—what am I supposed to do?”

The bartender thinks for a moment, then smiles. “Why don’t you step back here behind the bar? I’m sure we can figure something out.”

Grateful, the blonde hurries behind the bar just as the bartender unzips his fly. Gesturing downward, he says, “Alright, sweetheart, just put your mouth up to this.”

Eager to comply, she kneels down, leans in, and innocently says, “Hello, Mom?”