Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The butcher asks, “What do you want?”

The dog points to steak in a glass case.

“How many pounds?” The dog barks twice.

“Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times.

So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth.

He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out.

A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in.

As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!”

“Remarkable?” snorts the owner.

“This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”

An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation.

The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong. So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t come up with any possible explanation for the pain.

The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, “I’m sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there’s nothing I can do about it.”

The old man replies with a look of disbelief, “That’s impossible! That can’t be!” The Doctor says,

“What do you mean? I’m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it’s NOT old age?”

The patient answers, “I’m no doctor but it doesn’t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong.

Clearly you’re mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine.”

“So what?” says the doctor “What difference does that make?”

“Well it doesn’t hurt a bit, and it’s the SAME AGE!”

A farmer decides its time to tell his son how he breeds the animals.

He explains about the cows and the bull, the mares and the stallion and the ewes and the ram.

But he also decides to tell his boy about their one lame pig.

‘Unfortunately she can’t walk far, so when she’s in heat I put her in the wheelbarrow and cart her down to my friend’s farm for some alone time with his boar’.

A few weeks go by, and the boy is looking out the window.

He says ‘dad, the pig is in heat’

The farmer peeps over his newspaper to look at his boy and says

‘how can you possibly know that from just looking out the window’

‘Well’ says the boy,

‘she’s in the wheelbarrow’

A newly ordained priest is nervous about hearing confessions and asks an older priest to observe one of his sessions to give him some tips.

After a few minutes of listening, the old priest suggests that they have a word.

“I’ve got a few suggestions,” he says.

“Try folding your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand.”

The new priest tries this.

“Very good,” says his senior.

“Now try saying things like ‘I see’,

‘I understand’ and ‘Yes, go on.’”

The younger priest practices these sayings, too.

“Well done,” says the older priest.

“Don’t you think that’s better than slapping your knee and saying: No way! What happened next?”

An old cattle farmer is being helped by the local vet with his herd of cows and bulls.

It is breeding season and some of his older bulls are having a bit of a hard time performing.

These are top-of-the-line studs, but age is finally catching up with the bulls.

The farmer laments to the vet

“Well, I guess it looks like these old boys are going to be sent off to the meatpackers this year”

He is none too happy, but cattle life is rough and you have to keep the herd growing.

The vet looks over the older bulls

“Mmm, I don’t know if they are that far gone yet, do you mind if I try something out?”

The farmer agrees and the vet gets to work.

He begins working his hands into the waiting cow’s nether regions, getting his hands all sloppy when he is good and dripping, he approaches the bulls and starts to smear the goop on their noses.

He does this a couple of times and wouldn’t you know it, the bulls begin to become aroused and within moments they are chasing after the cows.

The farmer is delighted and he pays the vet a little extra for the new trick.

Come that evening he is laying in bed with his wife, it has been a pretty long time since they have had s*x, the spirit is willing but his flesh has grown weak.

As he lays there in the dark, he begins to think about his day and soon he is struck with the similarity between himself and the old bulls.

So he reaches over and begins to rub his wife’s vag!na, brings his hand to his face, inhales deeply and repeats the process a few times.

Wouldn’t you know it, the old man’s body begins to respond and he is elated, he hasn’t been this hard since his early 30s. It is amazing!

Thinking that finally, he can have s*x again he turns on the light and begins to shake his wife awake,

“honey… HONEY… you’ve got to see this…. “

She rolls over
“Ah for f*ck sake, you woke me up to show me you have a Wet nose?”