Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A 70-year-Old Retired Military officer had one Hobby….. He loved to Fish.

He was sitting in His Boat the other Day when He heard

A voice says, ‘Pick Me Up.’

He looked around and couldn’t see Anyone.

He thought He was Dreaming

When He heard the Voice say again,

”Pick me up. ‘

He looked in the Water and There…Floating on the top, was a Frog.

The Retd Officer said,

‘Are You talking to Me?’

The Frog said,

‘Yes, I’m talking to You.

Pick Me up, then Kiss Me; and I’ll turn into the Most Beautiful Woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all Your friends will be envious and jealous because I will be Your Bride!’

The Retired Off looked at the Frog for a short time, and reached over…..Picked it up Carefully and…….Placed it in His Shirt Pocket.

The Frog said,

‘What, are you Nuts? Didn’t You hear what I Said?’ I said, ‘Kiss me, And I will be Your Beautiful Bride.’

He opened His Pocket, Looked at the Frog and said,

‘Nah. I’d Rather like have a Talking Frog Than a Nagging Wife..

With Age Comes Wisdom & Experience

Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye.

The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife:

“Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you!”

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast.

“Joe,” he says to his son,

“what happened last night?”

“You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”

“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”

“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed,

‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’”

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals.

The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half, the big animals had the ball.

In the first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain.

In The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain.

On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5-yard loss.

The defence huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly,

“Who stopped the elephant?”

“I did,” said the centipede.

“Who stopped the rhino?”

“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.

“And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5-yard loss?”

“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.

“So where were you during the first half?” demanded the coach.

“Well,” said the centipede,

“I was having my ankles taped.”

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench.

Ethel said,

“You know, Mabel, I’ve been reading this ‘S*x and Marriage’ book and all they talk about is ‘mutual org@sm’.

‘Mutual org@sm’ here and mutual org@sm’ there – that’s all they talk about.

Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have a mutual org@sm?”.

Mabel thought for a long while.

Finally, she shook her head and said,

“No, I think we had State Farm.

A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler.

The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.

A small boy named Little Johnny walked up and stuck his finger in the Rot’s b*tt, and the action immediately stopped.

The lady was amazed.

“How did you do that?” she asked.

The little Johnny said, “

That’s my dog! He can dish it out, but he can’t take it!”